11 totally logical reasons why Harry Potter should be banned from all schools

A school in Nashville has removed Harry Potter books from its library, citing the spells used in the book as real. Here are some other reasons they should totally, definitely be banned.

A Nashville-based Catholic elementary school is backing its pastor’s decision to ban the Harry Potter books from the school library, citing the spells and curses used in the books to be “actual spells and curses” capable of “conjuring evil spirits.” Duh!

The books have been a source of controversy in the past with many religious groups calling for them to be pulled from schools and in some cases, destroyed in mass fires (as if the internet didn’t exist). While the books were being released between 1997-2007, the world saw the highest amount of children conjuring evil spirits ever recorded, probably.

It may seem like easy logic to follow, and many people are in an uproar about the decision, or perhaps a handful of people and a very large group of evil spirits posing as regular Twitter users. Either way, there is more outrage than there is support for the Nashville school’s decision to remove Harry Potter books from their libraries.

Any sane person should see the logic behind the decision. Do we really want evil spirits to be conjured in our schools where our children play?! It’s bad enough kids have to deal with issues like cyberbullying, stress and anxiety that come with being a school student in 2019. Now you want to add dementors to that list?

I totally get it. The “risk of conjuring evil spirits” is a risk we don’t need to be taking. Much like saying “Bloody Mary” three times into a mirror, everyone knows it’s probably a myth but no one wants to take that chance.

There are plenty more reasons than just this to ban Harry Potter books from all schools. Here are but a few:

Harry skips school too often

First and foremost, Harry Potter is a terrible student. He’s a walking example of how not to attend a school you’d be privileged to go to. How much of his time at Hogwarts is spent in class? Do we really want hundreds of little Harry Potters running around their respective schools causing mischief? Ask a teacher if they’ve ever had a child like Harry, who never listens and does whatever he wants. I guarantee every teacher has a list of names they’ll never use for their own kids.

Owls are dangerous, predatory birds

Owls aren’t pets! An owl is capable of flying at speeds of up to 110 miles per hour. They have powerful, sharp talons that help them catch and kill their prey. These are not the type of birds kids should be playing with. If we encourage reading Harry Potter books, we’ll be encouraging kids to chase down predatory birds and try to domesticate them. Could you imagine trying to get a scary, vicious possum to deliver your mail? No. Just text your friends like everyone else.

There might be basilisks in your school’s basement

The likelihood of finding a 50-foot snake that basically turns people into stone in the basement of a local school is unlikely, but can anyone really be sure? Has anyone ever seen the basement of their school? For all we know, every school in North America could have a resident basilisk hiding somewhere. Best not to awaken the urge to search for them.

Discrimination towards “muggles”

What’s the deal with witches and wizards treating muggles like we’re second-class citizens, anyway?

The quidditch players never wore helmets

A huge oversight by author J.K. Rowling was not giving the quidditch players helmets. When our children start riding on flying brooms, none of them are going to want to wear a helmet. You can already hear them complaining: “Harry didn’t wear a helmet and he was the best seeker in school!”

Dementors in America

Wingardium Leviosa-ing your friends could lead to head injuries

No horseplay allowed! Given that we now know these spells are real, levitating your friends, especially indoors, could lead to severe head injuries. In a world fully aware of CTE, this can’t stand. And could you imagine the insurance rates? School budgets are already pretty tight.

Ron is kind of weird

We have a stage five clinger! This kid gets carried along for seven books and gets the girl? This sets an unrealistic expectation for kids that all they need to do is ride the coattails of the class favorite to get everything they want. Also, Ron seems a little off, right? Like, as a person.

Dumbledore plays favorites, sets a bad example

I’m sorry, but Harry was given an endless amount of chances from Hogwarts’ headmaster, Dumbledore. Other children broke the rules and received punishment. Harry broke the rules and was awarded imaginary points to the Gryffindor house. This could set a bad example for principles in schools who may read the series and choose their own respective Harry Potters.

Sorting hats are kinda problematic

Imagine being the only dumb member of Ravenclaw? Or the only Hufflepuff kid who was an a-hole? You won’t have to, because the sorting hat makes sure to classify children exactly as it sees them. Classifying kids in 2019? The sorting hat is canceled. Plus, imagine if students hung out with like-minded individuals at school? What a disaster.

Hagrid crossed some lines

Most groundskeepers are nice, helpful, friendly people. When the school’s head groundskeeper starts hiding children in his home, helping them explore an evil forest or granting them access to a giant, winged eagle-horse, a line needs to be drawn. What if your school’s groundskeeper started harboring giant animals to give to the kids? I’m sure you wouldn’t be too happy about it.

As you can see, there are more than enough reasons to ban the Harry Potter books from schools. All even more serious than the last. In the grand scheme of this debate, children reading the spells and conjuring evil spirits is actually the least of our worries.

The CBS article about the books being banned referenced an article written by Daniel Nexon for New Republic in 2007. He mentioned that the books were viewed by some as an attack on religion. Certain groups believe that “Harry Potter may seduce children away from the religion and into occult practices.”

How hard is that to understand? A series of fictitious stories about a gifted young man who saves the world could easily be misconstrued and used for evil. It’s pretty simple to see where they are coming from.