How many NFL teams could Patrick Mahomes carry to a Super Bowl?

The Longshots

Unfortunately, there are those teams where even a superstar quarterback can’t save them. Whether it’s Carson Palmer or Matthew Stafford, parking a sports car outside of your double-wide isn’t going to change how people feel about you. Surely, Mahomes will make these teams better, but there isn’t enough magic in his right arm to carry this ocho of sadness to the Super Bowl.

Arizona Cardinals

In the words of Matt Verderame, “they can’t block!” With an offensive line looking routinely worse than whatever Seattle trots out there, Mahomes won’t hold up long enough to carry Arizona to the Super Bowl. The Cardinals can make the playoffs with him, but he’ll be well-acquainted with what State Farm Stadium’s roof looks like from the inside, perpetually lying on his back.

Carolina Panthers

Not even a Cam Newton MVP season would be enough for Mahomes to carry the Panthers to the Super Bowl. The team is in rebuild mode. Luke Kuechly retired and Greg Olsen now plays in Seattle. With Matt Rhule in charge, Carolina will improve but even Mahomes doesn’t win it all here.

Cincinnati Bengals

Will the Bengals pay top dollar to surround Mahomes with elite talent? No, because they wouldn’t even do it for Palmer. They may lie and say things will be different with Joe Burrow coming to the Queen City, but there is a reason they haven’t won a playoff game since the first Bush Administration. Mahomes can win them one playoff game, but that’s moving mountains.

Detroit Lions

The Lions are the best team Mahomes can’t carry to the Super Bowl. They have offensive playmakers he could enjoy playing with. However, the Lions have a brutal history of their superstar players retiring early. They’ve also won one playoff game since Motown dominated the airwaves and zero since adolescent men bleached their hair to like Eminem. Detroit sports are unforgiving.

Miami Dolphins

The Dolphins make everyone cry, especially their loyal fanbase. Dolphins fans can pay pretty pennies to get sunburnt and watch Mahomes imitate Dan Marino, but you’re not going to the Super Bowl with him. Marino only got you to one in 17 years and he lost that one. Laces out, Pat.

New York Giants

If the New York Football Giants can’t even agree Daniel Jones is their guy, then how can we be sure they’ll know Mahomes is their guy? They benched Eli Manning in favor of Geno Smith. They don’t know what they’re doing and can’t be trusted with such a precious football commodity. The G-Men will break their new football toy faster than Saquon Barkley can sprint down the sidelines.

New York Jets

Mononucleosis, sideline smelling-salt rituals and the lingering aftereffects of Mike Maccagnan draft picks. The Jets will be too busy seeing ghosts to realize Mahomes is their new quarterback. He can channel his inner Joe Namath and guarantee a Super Bowl LV victory for all we care, but it’s useless. Every year, it’s the same thing. J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets! is short for Just End The Season.

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Washington Redskins

Could the Redskins become the first team in NFL history to win four Super Bowls with four different starting quarterbacks? They will one day, but not with the current roster in place. Ron Rivera gives this team hope for a brighter tomorrow, but not even Mahomes can be the everlasting ray of sunshine for the many rainy days ahead for this Washington football franchise.