The 30-team NBA mega-trade that solves nothing and makes everyone mad

Chicago Bulls

Sending out: Zach LaVine, Andre Drummond, Nikola Vucevic, DeMar DeRozan
Bringing in: Karl-Anthony Towns, Derrick Rose, Luke Kennard, Richaun Holmes, Dwight Powell

In a vacuum, trading LaVine, Vucevic and DeRozan without returning a single pick sounds like a disaster. But the Bulls are setting themselves up for a rapid rebuild around Karl-Anthony Towns, who is arguably better than anyone in that previous core. Towns, still just 27 and an All-NBA center, is in need of a change of scenery. He’s also out for quite a while with a calf strain which gives the Bulls a chance to create the Derrick Rose farewell tour and hopefully keep themselves near the bottom of the standings for a chance at a top-4 pick (and not having to send that pick to Orlando).

Powell would come off the books at the end of the season and the Bulls could choose to pick up Rose’s club option or not. They’d then roll into next season with Towns, Patrick Williams, Luke Kennard, Richaun Holmes, Alex Caruso, Dalen Terry, some cap space, whoever that (hopefully) top-4 pick, whoever they land with Portland’s pick (currently No. 18) and maybe a healthy Lonzo Ball.

They’d be no worse off than they are right now and maybe have more flexibility to attack their future.

Cleveland Cavaliers

Sending out: Raul Neto
Bringing in: Cam Thomas

I needed to include all 30 teams so, ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Detroit Pistons

Sending out: Bojan Bogdanovic, Alec Burks, Nerlens Noel, Saddiq Bey, 2025 1st-round pick (HOU)
Bringing in: OG Anunoby, Justise Winslow

The Pistons are trading all their most valuable veteran assets and not returning a single draft pick (actually giving one up instead) but they’re getting a special two-way wing who is still just 25, and probably better than anything they’d get with anything other than a top-3 pick this year (which they could land anyway). Thinking about rolling into next season with Cade Cunningham, Jaden Ivey and OG Anunoby on the wings should be a slam dunk for the Pistons, even if they’d still have a lot to figure out with the young bigs on their roster.

Indiana Pacers

Sending out: Myles Turner, T.J. McConnell
Bringing in: Kendrick Nunn, Talen Horton-Tucker, 2023 1st-round pick (DAL via NYK)

Honestly, this is probably less than ideal from the Pacers’ perspective. If they aren’t able to coax Turner into signing an extension they’d probably be hoping to get some sort of rotation player and a more valuable pick. But the Lakers sound like they don’t want to send their 2027 first-round pick and Indiana may find their aren’t as many good options as they hoped. None of the players here would likely stick on the roster, but they open room for Isaiah Jackson and Andrew Nembhard and pick up another first-round pick in this draft, bringing their total to four (their own, Cleveland’s, Boston’s and now Dallas’). None of those are likely to be lottery picks but four picks could be a nice draft-night package to try and move up for a specific target.

Milwaukee Bucks

Sending out: Grayson Allen, Jordan Nwora
Bringing in: Donte DiVincenzo, Mike Muscala, Cam Reddish

The Bucks need help on the wings, and here they’re essentially turning 1.5 rotation players into three. DiVincenzo and Reddish add a lot of defensive upside, even if neither is as reliable a movement shooter as Allen. There probably won’t be many minutes for Muscala, especially in the playoffs but he’s a nice insurance plan to have in place — a 6-foot-10 big who has hit 37.7 percent of his career 3-pointers.