5 college football rivalries we so need out of the even bigger Big Ten

1. Oregon Ducks vs. Maryland Terrapins: The Fashion Show

When you join the Big Ten, it’s not about winning championships, but looking good on the quest to do so. Nobody does more with what they are wearing than Nike’s flagship school in Oregon, and nobody protects this house quite like Under Armour’s flagship of Maryland. Together, they will play for the Phil Knight/Kevin Plank Swag Bag. Behold! The Fashion Show, the Big Ten’s newest rivalry.

If this game were to ever go to overtime, it will be settled like Hansel and Derek Zoolander’s turn-of-the-century dispute in New York was with a walk-off. Since David Bowie will only be with us in spirit, may I suggest either cool dude Billy Zane or maybe even Winona Ryder to show up when she’s not too busy doing some Stranger Goonie Things with that Samwise Rudy guy Sean Astin?

This game will be like the Met Gala of sports. We don’t care who wins, but we cannot take our eyes off of it. The Fashion Show will draw a number nearly comparable to the Super Bowl, or at least a dozen times better than the Puppy Bowl. Either way, I think we all win. Why else would we want to watch two teams that are not winning national titles compete on the gridiron so freaking badly?

The only loser in this game is Adidas because, well, they are not Nike or Under Armour. It’s so sad…