What made baseball fun this week: Tito flexes the power move on Cash

Terry Francona still kind of owns Kevin Cash, Clayton Kershaw is too cool to fight bad baseball teams and more in what made baseball fun this week.

It’s the middle of May and baseball is still sort of fun in some cities across North America. There is a good chance that the Houston Astros and the Washington Nationals might be able to do something this fall.

It will make up for what happened on the hardwood for both American metropolises and on something called ice in the nation’s capital. These are just two of the cities that haven’t done a lot of winning since the dawn of the internet. Pretty sure everything that happened before AOL version 6.0 is just fake news. Also, any other version of online travel is not worth your time.

There are other teams that trying to pretend that they are good like the Colorado Rockies, the Milwaukee Brewers and the Minnesota Twins. We all know that your roles in this league is not to win, but we to respect the fact that you’re trying so that’s neat.

The Yankees are kind of good and everybody that hates the Yankees absolutely hates that. We’ve decided that the NL East is hot garbage. When the Cobb County Braves are second in a division, either Greg Maddux is your ace or your division is terrible. There is only one Greg Maddux, so do the math.

If your team ever played in Kansas City or Philadelphia, yeah, it’s not going really good either. While something called the Ottawa Senators used something called global warming on something called Penguins, the Blue Jays are a no good, very bad baseball team that needs to go in time out.

This was not a fun week in baseball. Try harder next week, baseball. Ideally I’d link to more videos this week, but unless they are Soundgarden, Audioslave, Temple of the Dog music videos, what’s the point? If you don’t know who Chris Cornell was, stop what you’re doing and figure it out. As terrible of a day as Thursday was in the music world, baseball has more pointless games to play today. Making baseball fun this week is going to be tough, man.

Tito flexes a tremendous power move on Cash

Terry “Tito” Francona is a champion. He won  two World Series in Boston when nobody thought that was possible. Tito was so good at his job that the Boston Globe created a smear campaign to fire him. He’s doing good now. Tito is in Cleveland and won something called the American League last year.

He’s in the new city of champions. LeBron James is doing cool things next door. Even the Browns won a game last year. Cleveland may only be a game above .500, but that’s the perfect time to definitely flex a power move. Nobody expects it when it is coming from somebody in the middle of the pack.

Tito knew that his former minion in Tampa Bay Rays skipper Kevin Cash was a terrible professional baseball player. Francona made most of his money in college like Shaq, but definitely need to humble the Rays manager in front of everybody.

Everybody at Progressive Field, Even Flo, knew the Tito told the video board guy in Cleveland to put up Cash’s ‘stats.’ It hung proudly on the center field LED screen like a C student’s report card on momma’s fridge. Thurman Murman did get a B in English that one time. Just ask Billy Bob Thornton or Mrs. Santa’s Sister down in Phoenix. They know.

The A’s, the M’s and Phone Guy

So some dude named Healy did something in Seattle that nobody thought could happen. No, he didn’t bring the Sonics back, nor did he stop the rain or bankrupt Starbucks. Not only did this Healy guy for the A’s hit a home run in Safeco Cavern, but it broke some dude’s phone.

While the A’s aren’t exactly spectacular at paying for stadiums, they are located in Silicon Valley where tech and Chef Curry shoes are the only things that matter. If you can’t SnapChat or Pintrest every three seconds, then you’re wasting your time. Unless you’re watching Chris Cornell singing his heart out on YouTube. That is we all need to give up willingly.

Not only did Seattle lose a grunge legend, but it lost a phone in the same week. The Bay Area knows a thing or two about losing things. NFL teams, 3-1 leads, Stanley Cups, Kaepernicks. But hey, this is a proud Moneyball-based enterprise. They will get you that phone you need. The dog pictures on Facebook aren’t going to like themselves. You could buy at least a billion phones with the Cano contract money for sure. Billion, billion, billion.

Kershaw actually did something fun this week

Don’t let baseball try to fool you about how cool Los Angeles Dodgers ace pitcher Clayton Kershaw is. He is the antithesis of cool, basically the milk toast of baseball. The only guy that’s really as good as him and is just as bland is that fish guy on the other side of Los Angeles. This is why LA needs Lonzo Ball and his dad. It’s about to be a Lakers town again, so be fun for once Kershaw or fish guy!

The good news is that Kershaw may have unintentionally almost did something cool. He was so good at his job against that team that is giving that not James Bond guy a statue in that City by the Bay that the Giants tried to fight the Dodgers. It was the lamest bench-clearing brawl of all time. Bruce Bochy knows that to be true, because he was in the best one of all time.

Kershaw used his power move on all the idiots on the diamond. He was in no man’s land and just whatevered the situation. It was pretty Dude of him to just not care about a potential fight that might have been about to happen around him. Kershaw’s hair does get long sometimes. While he doesn’t do facial hair very much, he could wear clear Jellies at home in his spare time. Being all Dude about the fight was dare I say it pretty, pretty, pretty cool of Kershaw. When Kershaw does something fun, that’s how you know baseball had a not-so fun week.

We’re done with Canada and the Blue Jays

Just because a city in your province in your country is still doing something professionally on a thing called ice, doesn’t mean you can come into the greatest transient airport hub/southeastern metropolis and start breaking toys, Blue Jays!

We all know that it was super Atlanta to let a non-American team come into America and win the World Series on our turf back in 1992. Nobody hated the Braves more than Jack Morris, probably because he felt that John Smoltz was pretty much ripping him off the whole time.

So this is allegedly what happened. The Braves were scoring a lot of runs and stuff in that first inning in their newfangled ballpark. Toronto hated that, so some pitcher decided that Atlanta can’t have nice things like Freddie Freeman and tried to break his hand. I’d personally give Freeman one of my hands, but that’s not going to help the Braves situation.

Then some Pillar dude decided to call one of the Braves throwers a bad name and that wasn’t cool. There was like a fight at some point. You do realize this is not hockey, you’re not the Senators, and Braves and Penguins aren’t synonyms? Then some Bats dude, not Batman, Bats dude, flipped his bat to try to Drake the situation up. Only exacerbated things.

Next: MLB power rankings: Top 30 nicknames of all time

The good news is that the Braves still won, the Blue Jays still lost, I-85 is working again and it was a weird and wacky story that happened on a Wednesday in suburban Atlanta. Penguins, Predators, and Ducks, let’s go! Team America!

RIP Chris Cornell