Mock NFL mock draft: The only guide you need for 2014
By Stu White
20. Arizona Cardinals — To help with their special teams — already pretty solid thanks to Patrick Peterson, even though he had a down year in 2013 — the Cardinals should select Orin Incandenza here. He has a great leg and, more importantly for young boys who root for Arizona, excellent advice about how to woo women.
21. Green Bay Packers — The Packers should pick that slovenly dude who stalks Aaron Rodgers in those State Farm commercials. Why? Because synergy. And brands.
22. Philadelphia Eagles — Which prospect played in the most gimmicky defensive system last season? Because we all know Chip Kelly is nothing more than a bunch of gimmicks, and he only wants gimmicky players so he can further push his gimmick agenda that’s ruining football by turning it into nothing more than a series of gimmicks. (And that, my friends, is how you write an SEO-friendly paragraph about Chip Kelly.)
23. Kansas City Chiefs — Considering how the Chiefs collapsed in the playoffs — sorry to bring up painfully memories, Kansas City fans — the team should probably draft a structural engineer. After all, buildings don’t collapse (unless the U.S. government secretly demolishes them).
24. Cincinnati Bengals — Dudes, wouldn’t it be, like, so funny if the Bears drafted an actual bengal? *coughs profusely and dies, because drugs kill. Don’t do drugs*
25. San Diego Chargers — It seems like the Chargers are perpetually one piece away from being a true contender and will continue to be so when they draft, with the 25th pick, Gorō Taniguchi.
26. Cleveland Browns — Cleveland, why the hell do you think you deserve two picks? Did you not just see me admonish the Rams for their greediness? Learn to share, jerks. No pick for you.
27. New Orleans Saints — The Saints have been a well-oiled machine on offense under the guidance of Sean Payton and Drew Brees, so it’s important for them not to rock the boat too much and draft someone able to instantly integrate with the team’s ethos. So, uh, any draft prospects feel that Guantanamo Bay isn’t all that bad?
28. Carolina Panthers — *Makes Anchorman cologne reference. Watches the laughs roll in.*
29. New England Patriots — Are there any murderous tight ends in this year’s draft? How about a tight end with an affinity for co-eds and Zubaz pants? Gotta keep up that Patriot Way, after all.
30. San Francisco 49ers — It doesn’t really matter who the 49ers draft as long as he doesn’t have tattoos or a shoe collection or a love of fitted hats. And he better not enjoy playing in short sleeves. As we learned last year, all those things are signs of a player more focused on being a thug than on being a winner, and the 49ers really should think of the children (and the comfortability of white sports columnists) when making this pick.
31. Denver Broncos — Sure, he currently works as an “energy trader” — evidently this is not a job related to sorcery, although it certainly sounds like one — but the Denver Broncos desperately need to draft Cooper Manning. Yeah, he never played a single down of college football due to injury, but do you really think he’d play any more poorly than Peyton Manning — whose legacy has been forever tarnished — played in the Super Bowl?
32. Seattle Seahawks — In a bold and unprecedented move, the Seahawks should fire their entire roster and replace every player with a member of the 12th Man. That may seem rash to some, but remember that, according to most Seahawks fans, Seattle’s success last year was entirely due to the people in the stands. So, logically, wouldn’t putting those fans out on their equal even more success? You can’t argue with that!