11. Tennessee Titans — Because we all know the 40-yard dash is the ultimate indicator of NFL talent, I see no reason why the Titans shouldn’t draft Dri Archer. Imagine how great the Titans could have been this year with both Archer and Chris Johnson were on the field and asked to take off their pads and run unimpeded in a straight line. Domination!
12. New York Giants — To say the Giants struggled last season would be an understatement. However, science has proven the sky is always the darkest before dawn, so the team’s trials and tribulations should only make them stronger in 2014. What the Giants need is a pick who has experience struggling for success in the Big Apple. So, with the 12th pick, I can’t imagine a better choice for the Giants than Hannah Horvath. Imagine all the cultural think-pieces! There’s nothing NFL GMs love more than a team that can generate cultural think-pieces!
13. St. Louis Rams — What the hell, St. Louis? You guys just had a pick. Screw you for being greedy. Yes, I know Sam Bradford is your quarterback, but hogging all the picks is just selfish.
14. Chicago Bears — Dudes, wouldn’t it be, like, so funny if the Bears drafted an actual bear? *coughs profusely and reaches for something stronger, because the “gateway” myth is not a myth but a fact*
15. Pittsburgh Steelers — Steeler? Why, I’ve barely smelt her! (And I only abduct fragrant people.)
16. Dallas Cowboys — The Cowboys need to draft Agent 47 so he can stealthily put an end to the Tony Romo era that has induced a piteous plight of Stockholm syndrome amongst Dallas fans.
17. Baltimore Ravens — Much like the Cardinals, I don’t really care about the Ravens. Sorry. I suppose you Baltimore and Arizona fans think this list is for the birds.
18. New York Jets — To counter the pick of Horvath by the Giants, the Jets should select, uh, *does a Google search for “Who is Hannah’s frenemy on Girls?” Realizes life is better without this useless knowledge. Goes outside. Breathes*
19. Miami Dolphins — To atone for last year’s fiasco and to show that both sides have truly reconciled, the Dolphins should select, with the 19th pick, Florida Gators baseball star Richie Martin.