5 unrealistic dreams for the 2015 NBA Finals

4. Reggie Miller Sneak Attack

Reggie Miller’s skills as a commentator have long been ridiculed, and the basketblogging community’s disdain for him hit its nadir during the Eastern Conference Finals, during which Miller was apparently on a tireless (and successful) quest to etch his name in the history books for Most Utterly Worthless Observations Made During a Sports Broadcast. As phenomenal a trash-talker as Miller was during his playing days, his on-mic skills as a commentator are so non-existent that they seem more like a mathematically impossible lower-bound for some hypothetical physics problem than anything else. Seriously, Miller sent Basketball Twitter into apoplectic fits every night he was part of the broadcast team…

… which is why he absolutely needs to temporarily leave TNT and make a surprise appearance during ESPN/ABC’s coverage of the NBA Finals.

Look, I too wish Miller’s motor-mouthed stupidity came with a mute button, but watching him again and again spark basketbloggers into frothing tantrums was delightful, if for no other reason then that most basketbloggers are torturously smug and intolerable (but with juuuuust enough ironic distance to differentiate them from their in-print, Big Media brethren, evidently). Yes, Miller is an annoying announcer, and annoying announcers are irksome, but even more tiring than Miller’s information-and-unique-insight-void brand of commentating is Basketball Twitter’s performative “SOMEONE SHOULD SEW HIS MOUTH SHUT #ZIPLIPS” outrage, during which the blogging personalities you know and love tolerate battle to see who can most skillfully use his or her dusty liberal arts degree to craft the most wicked burn. Do I want more Reggie Miller in my life? Not really — I slaughter enough brain cells as is, thank you very much — but the rage he’d cause by showing up to announce Game One would be priceless.

Next: 3. J.R. Smith wins MVP