Meltdown Tuesday: Cincinnati is the new Cleveland
Bass: Can you imagine sitting in that sloppy weather watching your team wither and die right before your eyes? That’s painful.
Verderame: As a Chiefs fan, I can imagine, but I digress. Speaking of the Chiefs, thank you Brian Hoyer!
Bass: You mean the second coming of Jake Delhomme?
Verderame: No, I mean the first coming of Brian Hoyer. Jake Delhomme looked like a cross between Joe Montana and Johnny Unitas compared to Hoyer on Saturday. The only way to watch that game as a Houston fan is with a full bathtub and a plugged in toaster next to you.
Bass: But at least they have J.J. Watt. The greatest American since Jonas Salk. Old ladies and children love him. He’s also a master* of the wildcat.
Bass: * that play was maybe the worst call of the playoffs so far … and that includes the horrendous two-point conversion we’ve already discussed.
Verderame: You know who had as many takcles as J.J. Watt on Saturday? DeAndre Hopkins and Alfred Blue. He’s all about getting a ton of attention for losing.
Bass: Be nice now. He had a hurt groin. You can’t expect Watt to stick in there and stay tough for the entire game while his team is hemorrhaging. What is he supposed to die with his boots on? And he did apologize on Twitter. So there’s that. How long until he’s dancing on the sidelines of a Rockets game, dabbing alongside Dwight Howard? Over/Under five home games.
Verderame: Didn’t Jack Youngblood play with a broken leg? That’s a real man. Watt needs to start winning and winning big if we are going to talk about him like he’s Lawrence Taylor.
Bass: Don’t worry, he’ll keep tooting his own horn and creating the false narrative. It’s about time for him to start training at that ˜cabin˜ chalet in the woods. The city of Houston is pretty good at collecting overly self-aware professional athletes.
Verderame: Unless he can play quarterback (which his lone snap there shows he has a ways to go), Watt is all kinds of screwed.
Bass: That’s what happen when you waste all your money on a defensive end instead of plugging one of the other 20 needs your team has.
Verderame: Houston is all about just not having a complete team, even dating back to the Oilers. You know who else will be sitting home watching the playoffs? The Vikings. Poor team…
Bass: Before we hammer them, I’ll say this: Mike Zimmer is the best coach they’ve had since Bud Grant. Without question.
Verderame: Zimmer can absolutely coach. I’m actually not going to hammer them. Blair Walsh is a really good kicker who missed at the wrong time.
Verderame: I’m more going to hammer Adrian Peterson, who fumbled … AGAIN. It wasn’t even a great play by Kam Chancellor, it was Peterson carrying the ball like a loaf of bread in traffic.
Bass: Well, when you’re the personification of Lenny in Of Mice and Men, it’s little wonder that you repeat the same mistake over and over and over again. Fun fact: Peterson has as many fumbles in his last three playoff games as he does touchdowns – 3:3
Verderame: In fairness, Lenny killed someone. Peterson only beats children in the genitals with a tree branch.
Bass: True … though I’m not sure where to direct my apology – Lenny or AP?
Verderame: I think Lenny. He didn’t know any better and made a terrible mistake. Peterson is a monster who beat his own child. Frankly, that fumble probably scared his kid more than any Vikings fan.
Bass: Why aren’t people crucifying him more for that fumble?
Verderame: Because he’s All Day and the narrative is that he’s the Vikings. The reality is he played like crap, rushed for 45 yards on 23 carries and had the biggest blunder of the game. Walsh missed an easy kick, but that’s physical. Peterson is an idiot and can’t learn how to keep the ball high and tight.
Bass: Yeah, I respect the hell out of Walsh for manning up right after the fact and putting it all on his shoulders. As for AD AP, check out this quote …
"The first thing that comes to mind is making sure that I put emphasis on protecting the ball. That’s going to be my number one objective going into this offseason. Because you take things for granted — I’ve joked around and said, ‘Yeah I done put the ball on the turf but how many have I lost? There’s guys that have lost more fumbles than me this year.’ But when it comes back and it bites you in this type of way, it’s something I want to put an emphasis on for this offseason."
Verderame: He’s a great player, but he’s a loser, and that quote shows why.
Bass: Gee thanks, Adrian! It’s only taken you nine seasons to figure out that you should hold on to the ball! Kudos. At least you know what to do this offseason. Probably gonna limit the time he’ll have to ride around on elephants and sing “Prince Ali.” Seriously, that quote sounds just like when Mike Vick said the first time he ever watched tape was after he got out of prison. Disgusting.
Verderame: It’s incredible. How much money is that guy making and he can’t hold onto the football? Charcandrick West and Spencer Ware on the Chiefs have combined for zero fumbles … zero. Those guys make less than $1 million combined this season.
Bass: At least all those fans who took out a second mortgage and froze their asses off to watch the Vikes lose can rest easy knowing AP actually cares about something heading into this offseason. T-minus five months until the usual “I’m gonna rush for 2,500 yards” bluster …
Verderame: Yeah, and then the predictable All-Pro season with about 8 fumbles, two court cases and an 8-8 mark.
Bass: Sorry, Minny. Enjoy the winter.
Verderame: We have melted down.