The five worst people during March Madness

4. The Obsessive Channel Skipper

Being in charge of the remote control at a March Madness viewing party is a sacred responsibility. It should not be taken lightly. With so many great games occurring simultaneously, situational awareness is key. The person in charge of the remote control has to keep track of all the games and their respective scores, selecting the one game that’s both a) closest in score and b) closest to its conclusion. It sounds easy, but it’s not.

But problems arise when the person in charge of the remote control obsessively switches from game to game, convinced that he or she will always switch back to the better game at the appropriate time. Things never work out quite so cleanly. What results is a disorienting, nauseating viewing experience — a barrage of ten- to thirty-second clips before the channel is changed. This person, The Obsessive Channel Skipper, thinks that he or she is providing the ultimate March Madness viewing experience, but really he or she is just giving everyone a headache.

If you find yourself at a viewing party with such a person, try to coax him or her into keeping the channel switching to a minimum. Don’t be afraid to employ a little white lie: “Hey, this is my dad’s uncle’s second wife’s alma mater! Let’s watch this game, please. It has personal meaning for me.”

Lying is bad, sure, but it is undeniably effective. I mean, consider presidential campaigns. They’re nothing but lies!

Next: 3. The Hipster Who Hates March Madness