5 countries Colin Kaepernick should move to if he hates America

1. The U.S.S.R.

Anyone who tells you the Soviet Union broke up is either a Clinton supporter or doesn’t understand basic geology. Vladimir Putin is a dictator, period end of story. Think Colin Kaepernick could get away with this shit in Moscow? Think again. In Soviet Russia, the national anthem protests you.

People in Kaepernick’s generation who complain about not having enough rights have no idea how close we came to trading Chernobyls with Yeltsin and company. Had a single mistake been made, the only football Colin Kaepernick would be playing would involve threading an old wasp hive past a pile of skeletons and into the waiting arms of a petrified tree.

Russia’s national teams are called the Red Army for a reason: you so much as protest over how much squat time you get at the shitting ditch, you’re liable to live out the last few weeks of your miserable life changing the uranium rods in some nuke-powered cement factory.

The next time Colin Kaepernick decides to disrespect our flag and our troops, he should stop to think about the kind of “freedom” people have in other countries. After all, it’s a lot easier running away from a blitz when it’s a couple 250-pound linebackers coming at you, and not fist sized rocks zipping at your head while it’s locked in a Red Square stockade.