Fansided

Champions League groups ranked by corporate fever dreaminess

By Michael Harshbarger

MILAN, ITALY - MAY 28: Cristiano Ronaldo of Real Madrid celebrates with the Champions League trophy after the UEFA Champions League Final match between Real Madrid and Club Atletico de Madrid at Stadio Giuseppe Meazza on May 28, 2016 in Milan, Italy. (Photo by Matthias Hangst/Getty Images)
MILAN, ITALY - MAY 28: Cristiano Ronaldo of Real Madrid celebrates with the Champions League trophy after the UEFA Champions League Final match between Real Madrid and Club Atletico de Madrid at Stadio Giuseppe Meazza on May 28, 2016 in Milan, Italy. (Photo by Matthias Hangst/Getty Images) /
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LIVERPOOL, ENGLAND – SEPTEMBER 10: Daniel Amartey of Leicester City (L) and Daniel Drinkwater of Leicester City (R) show dejection after their team go 2-0 down during the Premier League match between Liverpool and Leicester City at Anfield on September 10, 2016 in Liverpool, England. (Photo by Michael Regan/Getty Images)
LIVERPOOL, ENGLAND – SEPTEMBER 10: Daniel Amartey of Leicester City (L) and Daniel Drinkwater of Leicester City (R) show dejection after their team go 2-0 down during the Premier League match between Liverpool and Leicester City at Anfield on September 10, 2016 in Liverpool, England. (Photo by Michael Regan/Getty Images) /

TRASH LEVEL

Hold onto your hats, folks, what follows is the most blah pu-pu platter of clubs you may ever see. Our much maligned corporate investors must have been racked with something akin to “meat sweats” after gazing upon the horrors of these groups.

8. Group B: Besiktas, Dynamo Kyiv, Benfica, Napoli

To be fair, if we only used domestic league performance (without any consideration for the relative trashiness of said domestic leagues), this group would be solid platinum. There are three league champions and a runner-up. Utilizing any other metric, however, results in a damning conclusion: straight trash.

Besiktas won the Turkish league (who cares?), Dynamo Kyiv were champs of Ukraine (also who cares?), Benfica came out on top in Portugal (someone probably cares, but I don’t know them personally), and Napoli finished second in Serie A (Gonzalo Higuain now plays for Juventus). Gross. Sponsors were probably fleeing from this group quicker than my kids from a plate of steamed carrots. Hard pass.

7. Group G: Club Brugge, Copenhagen, Porto, Leicester

Just look at that lineup. Look at it! That is a certified turd salad. That is like a collection of junk that a thrift shop won’t even take. Intersperse those club names with “very, very” and “you won’t even believe” and you have a Donald Trump sentence at its most absurd and confused. It almost makes you feel bad for our corporate overlords … just kidding. But seriously.

We have three domestic league champions — even the Premier League champs! — and yet it doesn’t matter in the slightest. Porto are the most recognizable club in the bunch, and they have won the Champions League twice, but come on. Imagine trying to *shudders* watch a group stage matchup between any two of these clubs. 

Club Brugge sounds like the worst nightlife spot in Des Moines. Copenhagen will be recognized as chewing tobacco 100 times before someone names it as a soccer team. Porto is the club Jose Mourinho coached for a while. And as for Leicester, well, before last year, if you had asked a random sampling of Americans to pronounce their name correctly there would have been a good chance of going 0-for. These clubs belong in the Champions League about as much as this guy belongs in high school.

Next: Silver Level

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