Champions League groups ranked by corporate fever dreaminess

SILVER LEVEL

6. Group E: Monaco, Bayer Leverkusen, CSKA Moscow, Tottenham

Populated by three third place domestic league clubs, and the Russian champions CSKA Moscow, Group E just missed out on being included in the Trash level only because the clubs in the Trash level are so trash.

Monaco and Leverkusen will probably register in the minds of most decently involved soccer fans, but Monaco’s failed attempt to become the new PSG quickly turned into a successful attempt to become the new Malaga, while Leverkusen couldn’t even afford the “n” that would have made them equal to Bayern Munich in at most one way. Tottenham gets the Premier League bump, making them instantly more lucrative than any other third place team across Europe, but they’re also Tottenham.

5. Group H: Dinamo Zagreb, Juventus, Lyon, Sevilla

Italian champions Juventus have a whole plethora of nicknames — “The Old Lady” and “The Girlfriend of Italy” are choice examples, even if they come off a bit misogynistic — which is a good indicator of being a Pretty Big Deal. Juve have won the Champions League twice, and have been runners-up on multiple occasions. They are the cream of the crop in Italy. Their purchase this summer of Gonzalo Higuain was a nice display of financial strength, but the sale of Paul Pogba to a non-Champions League club was perhaps the best indicator of Juve’s long-term corporate utility.

Lyon were Ligue 1 runners-up last season, and have reached the semifinals once and the quarterfinals three times in the Champions League. They have OK name recognition. OK is a perfectly apt way of describing Lyon.

Sevilla secured their place in the Champions League group stage by winning last year’s Europa League. And it’s a good thing they did. They only managed to finish seventh in La Liga last season. Vaunted Croatian champs Dinamo Zagreb illicit zero feelings one way or another, besides the fact that they have “Dinamo” in their name, which is pretty dope.

Next: Gold Level