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25 NBA players who can help you survive a zombie apocalypse

By Matt Rutkowski

Oct 18, 2016; Columbus, OH, USA; Cleveland Cavaliers forward LeBron James (23) against the Washington Wizards at the Jerome Schottenstein Center. The Wizards won 96-91. Mandatory Credit: Aaron Doster-USA TODAY Sports
Oct 18, 2016; Columbus, OH, USA; Cleveland Cavaliers forward LeBron James (23) against the Washington Wizards at the Jerome Schottenstein Center. The Wizards won 96-91. Mandatory Credit: Aaron Doster-USA TODAY Sports /
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Apr 23, 2016; Charlotte, NC, USA; Miami Heat guard Dwyane Wade (3) walks to the court before game three of the first round of the NBA Playoffs against the Charlotte Hornets at Time Warner Cable Arena. Mandatory Credit: Sam Sharpe-USA TODAY Sports
Sam Sharpe-USA TODAY Sports /

21. Dwyane Wade

Wade embodies a different philosophy than the NBA saviors mentioned above, but it’s one that can be equally important.

No regrets. Leave the weak behind.

There is precedent for this in the life and lore of the Dwyane. “The weak” in this situation is Pat Riley and the smoldering remains of the Miami Heat. On December 10, Dwyane returned to his home and dropped 28 painful points on the Heat. No sympathy. No regrets. Leave the weak behind.

Sure Dwyane can have love for Miami, and he should. Wes Goldberg falls asleep with dreams of Dwyane every night, but no matter what Wes dreams he still wakes up alone. Send him your thoughts. Maybe hug him when he isn’t expecting it.

But you can’t be softhearted when the world is on fire and covered in corpses. Wade knows this. He will fight on and fight forward. He will leave a Dragic for a Rondo if that means it’s the better way for him.

I mean, what about dog zombies? What if right before your eyes your precious Rufus is transmutrifying into a quadropodic shambleshell? You have to be able to swallow your conscience and shoot your adorable miniature Golden Doodle in the face with a harpoon. Dwyane Wade can do that.

So if you’re not going to be in his way, it’s good to be with Dwyane Wade. Gabrielle Union seems like a fun person to hang out with as well, and Chicago has the best pizza. Get it while you can. So much will be lost during our impending demise.

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