25 NBA players who can help you survive a zombie apocalypse

19. Matt Barnes

Violence isn’t the answer, but sometimes it is.

It’s ridiculous that that phrase actually has a chance to apply. The end of the world is probably ridiculous though. It’s a show. Douglas Adams agrees.

What you don’t want in the event of the apocalypse is someone who second guesses themselves. You don’t want apologies. What you want is pointed, reckless action. Maybe you don’t want that as the first thing in the playbook, but it helps.

I don’t think he sleeps. Outside of what happens during games, most stories about Matt Barnes seem to occur between the hours of 2:00 and 5:00 AM. You need someone to take the graveyard shift, and Barnes will be there whether you want him to be or not. You’re better off just not being on his bad side. Maybe play some loud music, put some felt ropes around your bunker, and suddenly Barnes is in his element, and he’s on your side. The enemy of your enemy is your friend. I hope.

Maybe just set him loose on his own. He doesn’t need to be a part of the briefing meetings with the whiteboard and the frantic discussion. What he needs is space to be himself. Don’t restrict his role to what’s reasonable or legal. This is a lawless wasteland, after all. You need to take full advantage of that fact.

Also, there’s a chance that the zombie infection makes the afflicted look like Derek Fisher, and we can’t risk not having Matt Barnes with us in that case. Unlikely? Sure. Possible? Anything is possible.