The 10 weirdest NBA timeout entertainment spectacles

1. Mardi graves

Three months. Three months of my life I spent collecting these clips, and of course Mardi Gras comes to New Orleans and basically makes everything else look like B-Movie horror effects from the 80’s. Redundant. Parodic. Counterfeit.

In these 110 seconds, we’ve got it all: mascots, bad camera work, normal people forced into abnormal identities, dancers, stilted crowd participation. This is everything and nothing you could ever want.

The Pelican mascot already has had scary iterations. Why not add a papier-mache form? Maybe toss in an inflatable one as well. Just keep cranking the nightmares out of the nightmare factory.

Now look away before this thing looks into your soul.

What the actual hell? It’s like the king from Katamari Damacy crossed with a frosted sugar cookie crossed with a thumb. That doesn’t make it sound adequately terrifying. I’m not sure anything could.

And you can’t discuss terror without King Cake Baby appearing. If you say Bloody Mary in front of a dark mirror three times, this thing will come and take you before you get the second one out.

The NBA is my favorite league in the whole world. I’m not alone in thinking that. There are many, many people who travel long distances and pay incredible prices to see the league in person. Then they see this too.

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It’s a tough balance to strike, I suppose. You never want the crowd to be bored, and it’s tough to be bored when you’re cowering under your chair next to spilled coke and fake nacho cheese. Maybe that’s part of the NBA experience. This is why we pray.