NBA Tank Rankings: Cleveland Cavaliers make an appearance

4. Detroit Pistons

Reaction traction from the distraction faction – 87/100

They’re here! They made it, guys. They’ve finally made it.

One might say they should be higher because this strategy is so pure.

No one is being held out healthy and dubious, three-sided strategies aren’t being jammed into a round hole. Nope. The team, constructed as planned, is just playing really bad. They’ve lost seven out of their last eight, with the last four coming against the Nets, Knicks, Magic, and Bulls for godsake.

It seems from the outside that the locker room culture is what’s taking them down. This is a tremendous tank approach. It’s sly. Instead of trying to improve the locker room morale, instead foster despair and let it fester. Maybe talk about how everyone’s on the table this coming summer. Maybe play your ostensible two best players a little less while saying they need to play through a slump. Dish some Ish in crunch time.

The talk won’t be about “is this team deliberately losing?” Instead, it’s “can this team as presently constructed win in the NBA?” It’s a slight change, but it’s huge.

The best part of this distraction technique is that it allows you to be distracted by anything. You don’t want to watch the Pistons. I don’t want to watch the Pistons. The prospect of Pistons watching leads one to shield their eyes and scream blood. It strings a hammock of grief. It’s just the worst thing ever. I hate it. I hate everything.

Good job. Welcome home.