The definitive Halloween candy identity of every NBA team

Detroit Pistons: Gum

Why the hell is there gum? What is going on here? There shouldn’t be gum. Halloween is supposed to be a fun time of candy collection and consumption. The only thing getting in the way should be the wrappers or the occasional mint. Who put gum in here?

It just brings everything to a crashing halt. At best, you chew the flavor out and evacuate your mouth. At worst, you swallow the grainy remainder and defy years and years of instruction to never swallow gum. You can’t win.

Gum has its place, but not on Halloween. It’s just a step above handing out toothbrushes. If you do that, you’re just a monster — and not the good Halloween kind. The bad “I’m just a terrible person” kind.

If you have to ask what this has to do with the Pistons, then you and I are very different people. Last year, I came into the season with glee. My Andre Drummond shirsey was in top condition. The starting five that closed the 2015-16 season were all back. Andre Drummond had just made the All-Star team and there was no telling how far his next step would take him. Writers beyond myself had them penciled in for a first round playoff win.

Then the actual playing of the basketball happened. It went so, so wrong. I don’t want to think about it. I want the events of last year to not exist. I’d rather replace it with nothing than have to chew on it any longer. We’re done here.