Fansided

One New Year’s resolution for every NBA team

By Matt Rutkowski

MOSCOW, RUSSIA - DECEMBER 21, 2017: A woman dressed as the Snow queen uses a mobile phone during the launching of the new Christmas and New Year's Eve themed train at Krasnaya Presnya Depot on Line 5 (Ring Line) of the Moscow Underground; named 'A Journey to Christmas', the new train features characters of fairy tales, sights of Moscow and pictures of winter. Sergei Bobylev/TASS (Photo by Sergei Bobylev\TASS via Getty Images)
MOSCOW, RUSSIA - DECEMBER 21, 2017: A woman dressed as the Snow queen uses a mobile phone during the launching of the new Christmas and New Year's Eve themed train at Krasnaya Presnya Depot on Line 5 (Ring Line) of the Moscow Underground; named 'A Journey to Christmas', the new train features characters of fairy tales, sights of Moscow and pictures of winter. Sergei Bobylev/TASS (Photo by Sergei Bobylev\TASS via Getty Images) /
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BOSTON, MA – DECEMBER 20: Kyrie Irving
BOSTON, MA – DECEMBER 20: Kyrie Irving /

Boston Celtics – Give up

It’s not worth the pain. Sure this season is going well, but everything ends, and things end badly.

I can’t tell you how I know this, but I do. The cCeltics season, if it continues going the way it’s going now, is going to result in an unmitigated disaster that most fans will never recover from. There won’t be lawsuits, but there will be upheaval. Danny Ainge will never get a job again, and Kyrie Irving is going to become the Space Baby at the end of “2001: A Space Odyssey” in his own mind. His mind defines the world around us, though. If it’s real to him, it becomes real to us. It’s the Matrix but backwards.

This has to be avoided. Fortunately it can be. I have the recipe. I’ve watched Good Eats a couple times, so I’m pretty sure I know how things work.

Gordon Hayward needs to stop his rehab. Better still, actively undo his rehab. They tell him to stretch his leg? He needs to wrap himself in rubber bands in the fetal position. They tell him to ice it? He needs to sleep with his leg in a microwave. The corruption on this timeline has already started, but it can be undone.

Al Horford needs to stop being effective. No more 3s, or heady passes, or team defense. He needs to chuck the ball at his own shins every time he touches it.

Brad Stephens needs to hire Phil Jackson in a position above himself on the coaching tree. It has to be done.

Irving needs to change nothing. He’s Space Baby no matter what

If the Celtics finish 30-52, our timeline is safe. For every win above 30, souls will suffer at an exponential rate. Ripping, tearing, screaming.

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