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One New Year’s resolution for every NBA team

By Matt Rutkowski

MOSCOW, RUSSIA - DECEMBER 21, 2017: A woman dressed as the Snow queen uses a mobile phone during the launching of the new Christmas and New Year's Eve themed train at Krasnaya Presnya Depot on Line 5 (Ring Line) of the Moscow Underground; named 'A Journey to Christmas', the new train features characters of fairy tales, sights of Moscow and pictures of winter. Sergei Bobylev/TASS (Photo by Sergei Bobylev\TASS via Getty Images)
MOSCOW, RUSSIA - DECEMBER 21, 2017: A woman dressed as the Snow queen uses a mobile phone during the launching of the new Christmas and New Year's Eve themed train at Krasnaya Presnya Depot on Line 5 (Ring Line) of the Moscow Underground; named 'A Journey to Christmas', the new train features characters of fairy tales, sights of Moscow and pictures of winter. Sergei Bobylev/TASS (Photo by Sergei Bobylev\TASS via Getty Images) /
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(L-R) Cedi Osman
(L-R) Cedi Osman /

Cleveland Cavaliers – Continue upsetting the passage of time

You may have heard of it, but this is LeBron’s 15th season. That’s a long time of playing basketball in the NBA. For example, I’ve never played in the NBA and that’s 15 years more than me. I’ve watched Good Eats a couple times, so I’m pretty sure I know how things work.

It would be good if the Cavaliers continued to store LeBron in one of those temporal chambers powered by a mini black hole that halts all matter and keeps LeBron the same age as he was when he went in. He can come out every once in a while to film a commercial or tweet at the president, but if he wants to make as many All Star games as the number he wears, he’s gotta trust the complete lack of temporal process.

There have been issues with this in the past. For example, maturity is halted as well as muscular and skeletal cell degradation. There was once a man who was technically 50-years-old, but was the size of a small cantaloupe and couldn’t hold a conversation without mention of Peppa Pig. No one liked him. And now he’s the aforementioned president.

I’m an objective observer. As an objective observer, I’ve decided I’m the most objective, and I’ve decided that this treatment is worth the risk to LeBron and the world at large if the black hole were to leak out through the packing tape holding the whole mess together. If you’ve ever wondered why you get money for taking back soda cans, this is why. It doesn’t need to make sense to be true.

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