Time for a deep dive on Norway, our new Winter Olympic overlords

Hmm. No. That was Finland.

This might be confusing to some AmeriNorsican people, but there’s another place across the Atlantic ocean called “Europe.” It’s a country or a county or continent or something, and every year they have a song fight with each other.

They meet in some city to perform, and the best is determined by an extremely unbiased panel of judges. Norway has gotten last place a whole bunch (which has been a trick to lull people into a dangerous sense of security), but they’ve also won sometimes too.

The most recent example of ultimate music victory was Alexander Rybak with a song called “Fairytale.” You should check it out, because it’s both good and also neat. Here it’s performed by an especially emotive Daniel Radcliffe.

I know what you’re thinking: “That wasn’t that impressive. Yellowcard had a violin player. How come they didn’t win? Also, it would have been really funny if one of the flippy guys fell off the stage.”

You’re only thinking that because you don’t understand. Eurovision is all about not falling into the crowd. If you can stay on the stage, you have about an 80 percent chance of winning.

Plus look at that dude’s strong chin. Would you vote against a guy who has a chin that could probably beat you up? Is your life less important than trying to prove a point of some imagined musical superiority? Think about it. It’s not worth the risk.

Anyway, if music isn’t your thing though, what about IKEA? Well, that’s Swedish, so let’s move on.

What about Swedish meatballs? Trick question! Also Swedish!