10 real people that could beat up Batman
By Robert Rich
Robert Rich is a writer for FanSided partner BroJackson.com. For more great content, head on over to Bro Jackson and check out Robert’s work.
Batman is the most emo superhero ever. Rather than his origin story focusing around a magnificent lab accident that turned him into a boss, like Spiderman, he decided to embrace his hurt and rage after the death of his parents and channel it into dressing up like a bat. I’m assuming this all went down while he was listening to My Chemical Romance and shopping for new wallet chains on Hot Topic’s website.
Sure, he’s got some martial arts training under his belt, but for the most part he’s just a regular dude with a tear-stained heart that puts on a cape and runs around Gotham. He’s always portrayed by soft actors that lack an imposing build. What this all boils down to is the fact that Batman is an overachiever whom lacks toughness. There are a host of folks who, by all accounts, should be able to kick his ass, and it’s a wonder the villains he goes up against rarely do. Sure, Bane breaks his back, but in the end, the Bat gets the final say.
Because of this, I’ve put together a list of 10 real-life people that would be able to easily best the Caped Crusader in a battle. Some of them make sense, because they’re folks that could beat up pretty much anybody, but when you see some of the other selections, it really drives the point home that Batman just doesn’t have it. A lone dude in a heavy rubber suit with a cape somehow roundhouse kicking an alley full of street thugs is more implausible than an alien with super-strength flying around the world faster than a speeding bullet.
1. The Rock
Because the dude looks like a real life superhero, and for God’s sake, he tore a muscle off of his pelvic bone at Wrestlemania and in no time was back in action to film Hercules.
2. Ryan Gosling
Because the object of America’s love and affection can do no wrong, and technically, all he has to do is look at Batman and say, “Come on, man, just fall down,” and he’d do it.
3. Ozzy Osbourne
Because his grappling skills are probably non-existent, but the guy would take an insane amount of punishment and not feel a damn thing.
4. Chuck Palahniuk
Because the author of Fight Club is deceptively jacked. Under that nerdy exterior, dude’s a beast.
5. Honey Boo Boo
Because that girl is batshit crazy.
6. Skrillex
Because Batman is prone to epilepsy, and doesn’t stand a chance when the bass drops.
7. Mariano Rivera
Because he’s a Yankee, and yet I respect him, which means he must be capable of anything.
8. The guys from Duck Dynasty
Because that’s some crazy backwoods shit, and although any one of them can’t defeat Batman alone, as a group, they’d get the job done.
9. George RR Martin
Because he created the fantasy fan boy’s wet dream in Game of Thrones, and his fans would blindly follow him into battle to let the Dark Knight know that winter is coming.
10. Telemarketers
Because they no longer have a will to live, and for all intents and purposes, have become invincible.