What made baseball fun this week: Nicknames, Puig things and Judge things
By John Buhler
In a few months, MLB players can wear their own nicknames on their back for three days in August. Oh yeah, Aaron Judge and Yasiel Puig did some things, too.
Unless you happen to play for or root for the Philadelphia Phillies, baseball is still pretty fun during the middle of June. It’s pretty exciting in the Wild, Wild NL West with the blue dudes, the mountain guys and them snakes. Let’s not forget how that one Houston team without J.J. Watt and James Harden just might be the best of them bunch.
With shooty hoops super teams, catfish enthusiasts and alliterative Penguins from Western PA all taking a chill pill for the rest of this summer, it’s time for baseball to do its just and be America’s pastime. It would be super cool fun time to be fun every day for the rest of the season. Can you do it, baseball!
I believe in you like Gotham believed in Harvey Dent that one time, like that time before half of his face caught on fire and started to be mean to a bunch of people he didn’t know. While we technically don’t know these dudes that entertain us six days a week in glorified pajamas on these massive grass and dirt pizza slices across America, at least an eighth of our lives will be consumed with trying to cheer them on because it’s too hot outside to do anything else but sweat buckets because it’s summer.
So far, sort of good. Baseball had A LOT to do with Cleveland, fingers and names this week. Here is why the middle of June week was a top-tier week in making baseball fun this week for sure.
Nicknames are the best names
Unless you’re lame, you probably have a nickname you know about and thousands you don’t. Besides giving yourself a dumb pseudonym, there’s really little better than giving people aliases they’ll never know about. The thrill of giving someone a nickname they don’t know about is one of the perks of being bored, but alive on Planet Earth.
Frankly, there’s just not enough awesome nicknames going around in baseball anymore. Baseball is trying to change that by letting the players wear their coolest nickname on the back of their jersey sometime in late August. Sure, you could be obvious and go with Cutch or Jesus Shuttlesworth or whatever, but this is a time baseball can win in terms of quirkiness.
Braves pitcher Mike Foltyniewicz should just go by Froot Loops because spelling is hard. Ichiro could just rock his surname and not be all that cool about it, but Ichiro is forever No.1. Anybody complain? You do realize that at least four of these nicknames we don’t know about will now be part of the baseball fabric because of social media? It’s all about having a good time and this is one way to do it.
Aaron Judge is bigger and better than you
Are we sure that the New York Giants couldn’t use this dude to keep Eli Manning upright protecting his blind side? Well, I think the Bronx probably prefers to see Aaron Judge fee-fi-fo-fumming these baseballs back up to his beanstalk in the sky.
He’s basically Jaws for James Bond, but with better teeth and doesn’t have a nail stuck in his head Happy Gilmore style. If you ever stop and wonder why you’re done growing as a human being, it’s because Judge is getting bigger by the second, channeling your growth energy into hitting baseballs 495 feet and at 121 miles per hour. He’s like Sidd Finch, but with a bat.
How do we know this? Photosynthesis, because he’s planting boroughs of New Yorkers into the not-as-good version of Yankee Stadium. Though Judge will always be less than Jeter, he could be everything you wished A-Rod, Tino Martinez and Jason Giambi could be. The jury says that Judge is clean, so he can continue to be mean to baseballs in his giant pinstripe pajamas.
Yasiel Puig has two fingers, but they ain’t thumbs
Sometimes it just takes two fingers to let people know how you feel about them. A pair of opposable thumbs sticking up in the sky signify that it’s always a good time. Two index fingers pointed at the sky has religious overtones it. Them pointing at you probably means, “You Dawg!”
Now the two that Yasiel Puig used just the other day were of the middle variety. These two digits are used in a way to grab your attention while being mean at the same time. Puig was all like “Here’s your sign, Cleveland!” when he went all yard in Cleveland.
To be fair, it didn’t have the resonance of that time former Cleveland Browns signal caller gave the proverbial two-finger salute to the Washington Redskins fans, but whatever. If giving the visiting crowd the finger as you trot around second base after going yard in their place isn’t a power move, what is?
Atlanta Braves watch Major League to help them draft
Willie Mays Hayes wasn’t available. Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn was still in the clink. Let’s not forget that Pedro Cerrano can’t hit the curveball and had an Allstate commercial to make. Plus, voodoo is kind of scary, especially since it involves snakes and troll dolls.
While the Atlanta Braves aren’t the Cleveland Indians, they did channel their inner Major League scouting by drafting a catcher named Jake Taylor this summer. If he can run anything like Tom Berenger did down the first base line that one time, then the Braves can win the pennant for the first time in almost two decades.
However, if this Taylor kid goes all Roger Dorn and is Jeff Blauser out there, Braves Country is going to hate him. Taylor was made to get dirty, grind it out, catch heaters from Charlie Sheen and win pennants. This kid has a lot of pressure on him. Going by Jacob would have helped, but so would have playing right field. Expectations, man.
Cleveland Browns tried to ruin Tyvis Powell’s first pitch
It was so supposed to be a really good time in Cleveland. Former Ohio State Buckeyes safety Tyvis Powell was supposed to throw out the first pitch at Progressive Field before the Indians game. The only problem is that his previous employer in the Cleveland Browns cut him on the day he was set to throw a strike.
It’s not as bad as the Sacramento Kings wishing forward Anthony Tolliver a happy birthday and then cutting him on the same day, but this is another bad look for the Browns. They are the epitome of “You do realize?” but don’t realize anything because they are the Browns.
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This is the same team that has seen its No. 1 wideout hurt himself falling on a football. Now No. 1 overall pick Myles Garrett has a foot injury before training camp even begins. Powell should be amped to not play in Cleveland any more. He’s going to a slightly better situation in highly dysfunctional Indianapolis, but more power to Powell now that he’s with the Colts and Andrew Luck’s delicious neckbeard.