5 post-retirement jobs Jason Kelce would be amazing at
By John Buhler
3. Brand ambassador for Just For Men, DUDE Wipes and other companies
This is a pretty sweet gig. Just promote things. Former NFL stars such as Peyton Manning, Dan Marino and Joe Montana have made a killing at that. But rather than pushing chicken parm that tastes so good, M&M rings and Skechers, all Kelce needs to do to achieve excellence as a spokesperson is to push some Just For Men products and copious amounts of DUDE Wipes. He would be elite at this.
With Just For Men, I mean, just look at this magnificent specimen. When James Lipton came up with the word scrumtrulescent on the fly while describing Charles Nelson Reilly's performance as King Llort in A Troll in Central Park, this is what he was referring to. It is like God looking you in the eyes and saying, "you are my greatest creation." Kelce was born to help get rid of grey in many dudes' beards.
And for DUDE Wipes, I mean, Kelce spent his whole pro career letting guys like Nick Foles, Carson Wentz and Jalen Hurts get a little too close for comfort to his nether region. Neither here nor there, you guys stink, bro. So go get you some DUDE Wipes to take care of that. This would be like the late, great Tony Siragusa pushing Depends back in the day. He was built for that product, and so is Kelce.
We all have thoughts on what peak masculinity looks like, but you are wrong. It is Jason Kelce, dude...