Times are tough, so gainful employment of any kind, is something to celebrate. I’m sure there’s a nation of young men in Spain that would jump at the chance to move to Miami and operate a t-shirt cannon.
Still, the glamour of sports attracts the starry eyed and that means those that will do anything for a foot in the door. The following is a list of the most unpleasant, pointless, and tedious work in the sports industry.
10. JR Smith’s Accountant
Any CPA that works under the Smith estate deserves some sort special accreditation. Working for the streaky Knicks guard involves not only knowing distinctions between Chinese and American tax law, but also being available for those late night 3am phone calls. Who do you think he is going to call when he wants to see if buying a Zebra skin blazer can be claimed as a business expense? Next time you notice that Smith has gotten a tattoo of a Van Gogh’s Starry Night on his shoulder remember there’s an overworked accountant out there trying to deduct it.
9. Guy responsible for the giant jar of Jerry Jones’ skin
The owner of America’s Team is obviously no stranger to cosmetic surgery. In recent years his face has taken on an almost inhuman glossy quality that you would normally associate with hard wood floors and the produce department. It’s like his whole head has been dipped in wax to preserve it for posterity. When you are as rich as he is though, you aren’t going to just let them throw away the yards of skin they have sliced off your face. I imagine Jerry visits the jar of skin every once and a while for advice and predictions, and that jar would need to be maintained. Keeping the jar clean of fingerprints and dust seems easy enough, but slip up once and you are done for. Jerry will fire you, and not show any emotion. The skin jar, however, will miss you.
8. Miami Marlins T-Shirt Cannon Operator
I wonder if any young aspiring T-Shirt cannon operators dream of one day shooting clothing around Marlins Field. I’d imagine they mostly dream about places like Wrigley or Fenway because using a cannon with a governor can’t be seen as sexy. At Marlins Field the cannons are limited to only two rows deep. Other than the emasculation of the cannon they are also going to expect you to lead the 40 to 60 people there in Marlins cheers. I expect that you would find more excitement and laughs by shooting T-Shirts at the local Dade county hospice than you could during Giancarlo Stanton’s at bat.
7. Chael Sonnen’s PR Agent
It can’t be easy when you have to explain to Chael that ‘fortitudeness” isn’t a real word. Besides frequently dealing with his syntax troubles, you have to keep tabs on who Sonnen is beefing with. He seems to shift his anger to a new target every few hours. Enjoy explaining to the media that Chael only meant that he hates British cigarettes and not a specific minority group.
6. Starting QB for the Jacksonville Jaguars
If a quarterback throws a pass in Jacksonville, does it make a sound? This is one of those questions that even the most learned philosophers have found difficult to answer. Sure you get to be a part of a small 32-member club, but don’t expect anyone to recognize you without your jersey and helmet. Jaguars quarterback could be the perfect spot for an athletic felon in need of the witness protection program.
5. Mr. Met
Having to sit through 82 games at Citi Field seems rough enough, but Mr. Met is forced to do it with a shit-eating grin plastered to his face. It’s a cruel, “Clockwork Orange” life.
4. Any NBA Player who gets to play with the President
Does anyone enjoy being forced to take a dive? The lucky few NBA players who get the opportunity to play pick up basketball with the President must be a tortured group of superstars. How many times do you have to congratulate the President on a jump shot that you could easily swat into the third row? It might be an exclusive group that gets to shoot hoops at the White House, but only those of us unafraid of the IRS would dare try to break the President’s ankles.
3. Wayne Rooney’s Dermatologist
Rooney suffers from a severe case of Victorian aged skin, and being responsible for maintaining that can’t be easy. Basically he’s got the same skin as Queen Elizabeth. He’s one of those guys who burn but never tan. Good luck then to the poor doctor who has to distinguish between a mole and a trademark Rooney freckle.
2. Program salesman
Getting the opportunity to see someone selling official event programs is very similar to seeing a crocodile. Both look exactly the same as they did during the time of the dinosaurs. The program was once an essential tool, but do I need to spend 30 bucks to find out the starting lineup? My sporting experience will not change just because I find out what the official airline of the home team is. Also most of us have these things called smart phones. Someone tell the program guys that they have video, but do it gently. You know how technology scares that generation.
1. Member of any white NBA player’s entourage
There are going to be some great perks when you roll in a NBA entourage, but we can’t just pretend that all entourages are created equal. Traveling with JJ Redick would be cool if you are looking to try the new Big Buck Hunter before it hits the bars or if your favorite restaurant serves some sort of fried onion dish. In a few years Blake Griffin’s entourage could have the biggest reality show on TV. Meanwhile Taylor Hansbrough’s guys are at the local Cracker Barrel trying to figure out who ordered the chicken friend steak.