Newsflash. The SEC dominates all things college football these days. From seven straight national championships to doubling up the nearest conference in 2013 NFL draft picks, it’s an SEC world we live in. The SEC leads the way in every category these days, including arrests. Let’s take a look at the last calendar year and run down each team in the SEC’s finest moments. I can’t possibly get to all the arrests, so let’s look at each institutions top cuffs.
Eddie Williams, D.J. Pettway, Tyler Hayes, and Brent Calloway were arrested on February 12, 2013 for a couple of robberies. The Fab Four freshmen made quick work of their victims and overwhelmed them with their raw ability and can-do attitude. After making off with a Mac Book Pro and a few credit cards, these captains of industry thought it best to use the stolen credit cards at the student union. Well done fellas. All four have been dismissed from the team. Have fun in the FCS! We’re looking forward to this year’s Alabama arrests, because as we all know, Bama doesn’t rebuild, they reload.
Terrell Williams (November 4, 2012) and Austin Flynn (February 12, 2013) were both arrested for DUIs and crossing the centerline. This fabulous tandem of intoxicated drivers were determined to make the streets of Fayetteville unsafe at any speed for local drivers. It’s good to know how far we’ve come in a modern society when DUI’s don’t see any race or creed. Raise a glass to these true students of Bobby Petrino’s driving school of excellence. Cheers guys, you’ve earned it.
Quan Bray (September 27, 2012) driving on a limited permit, loud music, and an open intoxicant in the vehicle. Frankly, this is the kind of effort that has relegated Auburn to the laughingstock of the SEC. Gone are the glory years of the national championships and the four man robbery team of early March 2011. In all honesty, Quan, it was almost impossible to live up to those benchmarks of 2010-11. With Cam, Coach Chizik, and Toomer’s trees all gone, the bar has been lowered. Cheer up Auburn, everything works in cycles, you’ll be back.
Jeremy Hill (April 27, 2013) punching a man in the head outside a bar. The classics never get old. No matter how many times I see manslaughter or DUIs, it feels too 21st century. Simple battery is a timeless classic that goes all the back to the beginning of college football. LSU had been clean for a while, so it was nice to see them get off the schneid with a good old fashion head bludgeoning.
Chris Hughes (May 24, 2013) domestic battery for repeatedly striking his girlfriend in the face. Some guys just can’t catch a break. This was Hughes’ third domestic abuse arrest in the last three years. You know the old saying, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me a third time, and life in prison.” He has subsequently been dismissed from the team. Looks like Hughes was more violently successful off the field than on it.
Philander Moore (March 16, 2013) domestic violence and simple assault. Honestly with a name like that, we should have all seen this coming.
Texas A & M
Johnny Football (June 29, 2012) disorderly conduct, possessing a false ID, and refusal to ID. Ok, so this isn’t technically in the last calendar year, but he’s the reigning Heisman Trophy winner so he makes the list. Don’t worry America, there have been five subsequent arrests in the TAMU program since Johnny Manziel’s so they are keeping the proud tradition of the 12th man and Texas crime going strong. These days it feels like Johnny Manziel is committing a crime a week. He’s an underage drinker dammit! One of the best in America. Nothing is going to get between him and his beer. He’s got a very good work ethic when it comes to sneaking into bars.
Ty Flournoy-Smith (February 22, 2013) filing a false police report about stolen books, later to be found out that he sold the books for profit. Sure there are at least three alcohol related arrests in the last year with Georgia, but this one seemed more genius. Anyone can get drunk and do something stupid. My man Ty thought outside the bun and tried to run game on the po-po. The jig was soon up, and T. Flo-Smitty was posting bail. Here’s a spot where we applaud the individuality of the crime, and not falling into silly stereotypes such as being arrested for alcohol related crimes at a school who boasts “the largest outdoor cocktail party.”
Antonio Morrison (June 16, 2013 AND July 21, 2013) punching a bouncer for not honoring a discounted rate and barking at a police dog. Florida really is the gold standard for arrests. A former Gator is now possibly up for multiple homicides, there have been a rash of scooter related crimes on campus, but the tip of the cap here goes to Tone Mo who managed to get arrested twice in five weeks. Granted the charges for barking at a dog have been dropped, but the damage has already been done. I mean, the dog was on duty, just doing his job. He didn’t ask for any of this. Morrison’s earlier displeasure for not having his coupon honored has seemed to gotten the better of him as well. The only thing we safely know at this point is that he got a haircut sometime between the June 16 and July 21. We can only assume that his groomer accepted all coupons.
Pancho and Khalid Thomas (July 6, 2013) possession of a controlled substance. The brothers Thomas were dismissed from the program after the incident, making some mom pretty proud of her sons for their stick-to-it-tiveness and propensity for hard drugs. I’m sure she’s particularly proud of Panch because the elder statesmen showed a great example to the younger Thomas. In fact, Khalid was a top 50 athlete according to Rivals.com, so good on you Pancho for paving the way. Khalid had yet to play a down for the Wildcats. Maybe technically it doesn’t even count then? Tune into Khalid’s foray into the mighty world of directional colleges.
Maty Mauk (August 30, 2012) Resisting Arrest by Fleeing, Failure to Stop for a Traffic Control Device, Leaving the Scene of an Accident, Careless and Imprudent Driving. Four misdemeanor all on a two wheeled vehicle. All of this with two helmetless women on his scooter. Bravo! After blowing a stop sign and failing to yield, our Maty took the ladies off-roading Ivan “Ironman” Stewart style between two residence halls. Missouri may be the new kid on the block in the SEC but they have been getting it done on the rap sheet for a while. Smoking kind bud seems to be a pre-req for the football team with four recent arrests. The Kind Buds—Mizzou has a new nickname!
Brendan Downs (November 25, 2012) underage consumption and public intox. Step up your game Tennessee. This was the only arrest in the last calendar year and frankly any frat guy could pony up for these two charges. Your fucking fight song has a whole verse dedicated to making moonshine. Points at eyes with two fingers, then points at Tennessee. I’ve got my eyes on you Tennesse. From Kiffin to this horseshit in a few short years. You should be ashamed.
Tanner McEvoy (July 29, 2012) Speeding and driving after consuming under the age of 21. Lame. This was the only arrest and it is barely in the last year. This makes us pine for the old days of Stephen Garcia and his love affair with alcohol and poor decision making. It seems like this team is living in the past when it comes to glory, be it the police blotter or even the old Ball Coach. In a few short days it appears the closest any one will be to an arrest in the last calendar year would be Jadeveon Clowney’s hit on the poor unsuspecting Michigan running back in last year’s Bloomin’ Onion Bowl. I expect a big year from the Gamecocks. They’ve inspired so many frat brothers with swag for years. Now it’s time to return the favor.
No arrests in the last calendar year. But, as Lee Corso would say, not so fast my friends. Sure technically there haven’t been any arrests regarding the Commodores over the last year, but there is quite the sex scandal brewing as (via Erik Ainge’s radio show) one of the players allowed three of his teammates to sexually assault his girlfriend. Arrests most certainly will come out of it, if the story turns out to be true and the young woman is willing to press charges. The four men in question have been relieved of their football playing duties. Now they can focus in on more white collar related molestation situations.