Ten post-Patriots career options for Tim Tebow
Celebrity and backup quarterback Tim Tebow’s limelight journey through the National Football League will open a new chapter. The New England Patriots let Tebow go Saturday as part of their final round of cuts that took them from 65 to 53-man rosters. He looked clunky all summer in camp and failed to find a meal ticket role during the preseason.
Tebow is a special brand of delusional and self-important. He presents himself as a humble, nice guy that just wants to get a shot at quarterback–and then tells us about it at every opportunity. Real Gs move in silence. He could have been a deity in Jacksonville, but strong-armed a trade to the New York Jets because of the market. If he wasn’t a famous spokesman for his personal creeds–and make no mistake: white and handsome–he’d be Troy Smith or Vince Young or D.J. Shockley or Juice Williams or any number of fantastic college quarterbacks from the last decade that haven’t translated their games to the professional ranks.
But the circus made him a first round pick in 2010. The noise and “just wins football games” hype meant a fluke blown coverage against the Steelers, and a 13-10 win against Chicago because Marion Barber ran out of bounds. Now he is unemployed again, and it looks like his chances to play quarterback in the NFL are over. So what’s next for Tebow?
Here are 10 (-ish) suggestions from the Bro Jackson staff and FanSided.com Senior Editor Josh Sanchez:
“The Bachelor”
If New York Giants trivia question and fellow former Florida signal caller Jesse Palmer can be the star of ABC’s most important and popular show, you don’t think Tebow would be must see television week in and week out? Tebow and a bevvy of 20-something blondes from the deep south and drama. It’s a home run. Does Tebow send home the token Jew or try to save her? Does it get awkward during the fantasy suite when Tebow prematurely ejaculates? What sort of subversive Bible quotes will he plaster on his eye black? Does every group date turn into Tebow Time (Tebow Time is now when Tim busts out his acoustic guitar and sings Christian mingle slow jams around the campfire).
Quarterback of the Buffalo Bills
New head coach Doug Marrone is already staring down a four-win season. Buffalo’s new-look ground game is sans rookie new hope EJ Manuel and Marrone is bringing in undrafted rookies to compete for the temporary starting role. Maybe Tebow can get in the mix and have some fun out there. If it doesn’t pan out, he can complete the AFC East cycle and sign with the Miami Dolphins.
Wedding DJ
Tebow once said that he listened to Michael Buble while at Florida to get pumped up before games. He has atrocious taste in music. That’s perfect for his new venture as a wedding DJ to the stars. He’ll spin all the eye-rolling wedding cuts: From “We Are Family” to “Hey Ya” to deeper cuts like the Village People’s follow-up singles. It’ll get awkward when he refuses to play anything other than “God Must Have Spent a Little More Time on You” during first dances; even more so when the audio is interrupted by Tebow crying into his lavalier microphone.
Televangelist
We all have been anticipating this to be the next step for quite some time. Sorry Billy Graham, no not this Billy Graham, you’ve got the next great gospel spreading man coming for your legacy. You really can’t argue the fact that Tebow will be where he belongs if he takes the televangelist route. I mean, he is the man that created praying on the playing field, right? At least that is what ESPN taught me, which brings us to our next option…
Aaron Hernandez’s religious counsel
Lord knows he needs it, so why not let his college pal be the saving grace.
Spokesperson for a clipboard manufacturing company
When’s the last time we’ve seen him not holding one?
Jacksonville Jaguars ticket salesman
Sure, the Jaguars don’t want Tebow to line up as their quarterback — in fact, no one does — but that doesn’t mean that he couldn’t move back home and still enjoy a job within the organization. Tebow would be a brilliant ticket salesman for the team and finally allow the fans that bark about their die-hard fan base a legitimate reason to bark about their ticket sales. With Tebow behind the counter slinging tickets, the Jaguars could finally remove the tarps.
Purity ring salesman
Just make sure he doesn’t try to marry your daughter.
Touring stand-in for Rodin’s The Thinker
It’s just a step away from Tebowing.
Goy
He’s done it before, and evangelicals love Israel.
Buddy cop movie with VYVince plays the hot head; Tebow plays the straight-laced man of God, trying to clean up the streets.
The lead in The Book of MormonHe’s a triple threat on the field and on the stage. OK, that’s not true.
ESPN First Take master debater
The strange bro-love that Skip Bayless has for Tebow is no secret to anyone, so why not put the two men together to boost ratings and watch the creep bromance continue to blossom. Something about Stephen A. Smith sitting in the background making up words to describe his disgusts for Tebow while Bayless is stroking his ego right in front of him would make for some must-see TV.