Your completely irrelevant Oregon Ducks vs. Washington Huskies preview

What, you want statistical analyses? Projections based on math? Insight into the offensive and defensive schemes of the two programs? Pshaw. Here’s everything you really need to know about the upcoming game between the Oregon Ducks and the Washington Huskies, divided into five categories that will have no impact whatsoever on the outcome.

Better Literary Alumni

Ken Kesey, author of books you were supposed to read for class but didn’t, went to the University of Oregon. That’s a pretty huge plus for the Ducks. However, Chuck Palahniuk, god to “misunderstood” teenagers everywhere who like totally hate society and stuff, also went to UO. So you have Palahniuk and Kesey up against Beverly Cleary, author of The Mouse and the Motorcycle. Yeah…no contest. Advantage: Huskies.

Better Acting Alumni

Rainn Wilson, better known as Dwight from The Office, went to the University of Washington, as did Kyle MacLachlan from Twin Peaks. Though Oregon did give us Kaitlin Olson (Dee from It’s Always Sunny…) and Ty Burrell (Phil from Modern Family), that duo from UW is hard to beat. Advantage: Huskies.

Most Despicable Alumnus

Well, I’m not sure if Phil Knight counts as despicable. Labeling him as such sort of depends on your feelings regarding big business, globalization, and labor practices. UW, however, was home to Ted Bundy. I don’t think anybody in their right mind finds Ted Bundy not despicable. Advantage: Ducks.

Better City

Seattle is a big city. Seattle has far more thing to do than Eugene does. Seattle was also the inspiration behind Owl City’s “Hello Seattle.” So yeah. There’s that. Advantage: Ducks.

Better Beer

Nothing made in Seattle is touching Ninkasi. Nothing. [Throws on skinny jeans and walks out the door while whistling the latest best-song-ever by Arcade Fire]. Advantage: Ducks.

Enjoy the game!