Monday morning NFL hangover: A look at the five stories you’ll hear about all week
By Stu White
Wow, what an exciting Sunday of NFL action we just had. The passion! The heartbreak! The thrills! I mean, can you believe those teams that won? I definitely can’t. And those teams that lost!? Man, what is there to even say about the teams that lost?
Here are the five big stories from Sunday that you’ll hear sports pundits prattle on about all week. Your coworkers, friends, and loved ones will certainly ask you for your hot takes about these topics, so read up and do some research. Remember to use plenty of sports-as-war metaphors in your conversations!
1) Houston’s quarterback imbroglio
When starter Matt Schaub went down with an ankle injury during the Houston Texans 38-13 loss to the St. Louis Rams, backup T.J. Yates was kind enough to come in and do his best Schaub impersonation. There are plenty of words with which you can describe Houston’s QB situation — unraveling, embarrassing, disastrous, hopeless, cataclysmic, dreadful, atrocious, risible — so make sure to pick six and have at it!
2) The Patriots and their magical “way” are back!
In one of the most exciting games of the weekend, Tom Brady threw a 17-yard touchdown pass to Kenbrell Thompkins in the closing seconds of the fourth quarter to give the New England Patriots a 30-27 win over the New Orleans Saints. Thompkins, a rookie, was not drafted this past April, so prepare to reference that fact in conjunction with the phrase “Patriot Way” at least five times. (Or you can talk about the Patriot Whey and how honorable he was to separate from those Loyalist curds.)
3) Nick Foles or Michael Vick?
The Philadelphia Eagles beat the Buccaneers 31-20 after Tampa Bay overlord head coach Greg Schiano’s plan to give his whole team MRSA as a way to toughen them up backfired miserably. Napoleon-Dynamite-meets-Ronnie-“Sunshine”-Bass hybrid Nick Foles played an exceptional game for the Eagles, which means we now get treated to a week of debates regarding who should be Philadelphia’s starting quarterback. Really, the debate is dumb because we all know the answer is Matt Barkley.
4) Alex Smith, Andy Reid, and the Kansas City Chiefs are undefeated. Seriously.
Do you know the phrases “when pigs fly” and “when Hell freezes over” are examples of adynata? Now you know!
4.5) The Cincinnati Bengals lead the AFC North
Yep. That’s true.
5) The narrative of Tony Romo
Remember, the sportswriting gods passed down the law from on high that you simply are not allowed to talk about Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo without talking about his narrative. They’re strict about that rule, too. So was his narrative reinforced by his performance against the Washington Redskins on Sunday? How about subverted? Did the narrative fragment or become circular like Dhalgren? Also, who the heck is even narrating the thing? Is the narrator reliable? Third-person omniscient? Your answers should be in essay form, and they should follow proper MLA citation (although feel free to use Chicago during Week 14).