I’m sure you’ve heard by now, Justin Blackmon has been suspended from the Jaguars indefinably for violating team and NFL rules substance abuse. This is like his 65 substance abuse issue since he was drafted… a year ago.
I’m not going to lie to you, being a Jags fan is hard. It isn’t for the weak willed sports fans raised on such powerhouse teams as the Cubs and Raiders. No, this is a fandom for people who want to get as much suffering done in this lifetime as humanly possible, so as to make sure they come back as billionaires in their next life.
Today as I marveled at my teal teams ability to lose bye week I started thinking. What kind of team would you have to build to create something more horrifying than the Jaguars?
Most people are going to say Jerry Jones here, but I would give my first born child’s right arm for an owner who trusts Jason Garrett and Tony Romo. No, you have to go much, much, deeper down the rabbit hole. I would say Donald Trump, but for all his cray cray faults the Donald does make money. I think you have to go Paris Hilton.
Hilton would be worse than Shahid Khan in so many ways. First off she’s rich, but she didn’t actually earn any of that money. She has no idea what “work” is, she’s a “DJ.” She also seems like she’d go totally Al Davis as she got older and just be a terror. She might move the team, but it wouldn’t be to London. It would probably be somewhere far more embarrassing, like Cabo or Tiajuana.
Finally, you never want an owner who probably has Hep-C.
Khan > Hilton
I know I’m cheating on this one a little bit, but it’s the truth. There has never been an NFL GM as bad as former Jaguars GM Gene Smith. This man took a punter in the 3rd round… a punter who is currently having a “sophomore slump.” Gene Smith drafted a punter while Russel Wilson was still on the board. Russel. Wilson.
Caldwell > Smith
There really aren’t a lot of Jaguar problems you can blame on the head coach. I mean when you run out an over glorified Pop Warner team against the Packers what do you expect? But it’s part of the game so…
I really had two guys I couldn’t decide between here; one with NFL experience and one without. My solution is to make them both head coach and let them rotate who is in charge every other day, like consuls of Rome.
Lane Kiffin has run every team he has been a part of as a head coach into the ground, only to get a better job a few weeks later. I really think the Jaguars might break his streak, because let’s be honest, how do you wreck a train that left the tracks years ago? If Kiffin got fired from the Jags he’d probably end up President.
Houston Nutt is in the “peeple heppin bidness” and is also my personal spirit animal. I’ve been actively campaigning for Nutt to get a new job for years, because he is hilarious. The Jaguars might finally be that job Nutt can’t get fired from, because again, how to you make it worse?
Bradley > Nutt and Kiffin
Now this is a hard one. How do you find someone that is capable of living up to Blaine Gabbert? There is only one thing in the entire universe less accurate than Blaine Gabbert, A stormtrooper from Star Wars. Those guys shoot at Luke and Han for the better part of 6 1/2 hours and the only rebel they ever hit is Princess Leia, and that was in the last movie. I don’t know why the Empire didn’t have a vision care program, but that would have been a weapon far more powerful than the Death Star. Obi Wan didn’t know what he was talking about.
Blaine Gabbert > Stormtrooper
WIDE RECEIVER #1
Let’s just skip the middle man here and hire a drug dealer. It doesn’t matter if we are talking Justin Blackmon or Matt Jones, the Jags are snake-bit when it comes to receivers who love to mellow out. So putting a drug dealer in here will not only save time but possibly save his spot. You see most dealers try to avoid being addicted to their merchandise so… oh crap, this is an improvement.
Drug Dealer > Blackmon
WIDE RECEIVER #2
Digging deep here. Who could drop the ball with more regularity than the Jags receiving core? Bill Buckner, that’s who. Bill Buckner is famous for allowing the Mets to win a World Series by missing an easy catch. (BTW I’m also a Mets fan, because I hate joy.)
Shorts > Buckner
Hey, it’s the one position where we have a good player! Yippee! Oh, but that good player is having a down year. Probably because our O-line is about as dependable as Lou Holtz’s denture cream. Who to play here… Peyton Hillis post Madden cover seems like a good choice.
MJD > Hillis
I could go on like this forever, but this article is making me want to go to Golden Corral and rage eat. I think the lesson learned here is that in order to create a team worse than the Jaguars you have to sincerely sit down, think hard, and try to do it. YOU HAVE TO TRY TO SUCK WORSE THAN THE JAGS.
Don’t take this all the wrong way though, I may be a human sadness cake, but I love my Jags. The Jags are a dumpster fire, strapped to the back of a train, that ran off it’s tracks, flew off a cliff, and was destroyed in a conflagration of death and pain, but they are my disaster. You support the home team; and you dance with the girl you brought. Even if that girl is a one legged troglodyte who has rabies. Go Jags.