If you care about football and America, you’ll be hosting a viewing party for tonight’s game between the Stanford Cardinal and the Oregon Ducks. (Or, if you care about football and America but are low on cash, you’ll be attending a viewing party and gorging yourself on the food/beer other people brought. Go you!).
Besides a good TV and comfortable seating, the key to any good viewing party is to have fans of both teams present. As fun as it is to watch a game surrounded by people rooting for the same group of strangers as you are — make sure to use “we” and “us” when talking about “your” team’s accomplishments — it is far more enjoyable to spend the game playfully harassing the people rooting for the other group of strangers. Remember, it doesn’t count as a friendship unless your verbal barbs cause emotional wounds!
In the spirit of sportsmanship, we’ve decided to bring you a guide for how to best harass the Oregon fan at your party. Technically, there should be an accompanying guide for harassing Stanford fans, but it’s sort of hard to poke fun at alumni of one of the top schools in the country. Hey, loser, how’s that great job and respect from your peers treating ya? (That’s the best we came up with. Because we are dumb and didn’t get into Stanford.)
“Hey, how does it feel knowing the players you root for probably hate you?”
“Wait, didn’t Richie Incognito attend the University of Oregon for a bit?”
“John Canzano is a great writer and the only person worth listening to when it comes to the Oregon Ducks.”
“Isn’t Oregon a liberal-leaning school that would never consider instituting Big Brother tactics to monitor the faculty?”
“Dennis Dixon. 2007. Arizona.” (Then sit back and wait for the tears to start cascading down.)
“Who should be paid more: the players on your football team or the children who make their jerseys?”
“How does it feel to have a school populated by all the Californian kids too stupid to be accepted to the UC schools?”
“The Oregon Country Fair totally sold out, maaaaaan.”
“Chuck Palahniuk is garbage.”
“Chip Kelly’s balls were not big.”
“I really like those ‘Stop Pre’ shirts you all wear at big track meets. Too bad nobody stopped Pre from driving drunk.”
“I’m happy to see how Joey Harrington went from a billboard in New York City to a walking billboard advertising how people with degrees from the University of Oregon won’t accomplish their dreams.”