Last year’s game between the Oregon Ducks and the Stanford Cardinal was a classic. Stanford’s 17-14 victory in Eugene derailed Oregon’s hopes of playing for the national title, and it’s safe to say that Oregon fans have been patiently waiting for revenge ever since.
Tonight’s game should also be a memorable one, so it’s only appropriate that you celebrate the occasion by drinking a fluid that is designed to impeded the formation of memories. You know, because that makes sense. Since simply consuming a nice beer at a leisurely and safe pace as you passively watch the game is unacceptable, here is FanSided’s “Oregon vs. Stanford Drinking Game.”
Please drink responsibly.
Take a drink if…
1) The announcers use the following words to describe Marcus Mariota: Poised, mature, cool/calm/collected, and reserved. Finish your drink if they use “taciturn,” then take a second drink if you realize they’ve used “taciturn” incorrectly.
2) The phrase “clash of styles” is used. Feel free to finish your drink if an announcer busts out some “irresistible force/immovable object” metaphor to describe the Oregon offense and the Stanford defense. Remember, these two teams go about things differently, and it’s important to repeat that observation over and over since it will help explain all the action on the field.
3) A reference is made to Stanford’s academics. Guyz, didja know Stanford is, like, totally good at sports and math-stuff? We definitely don’t need to pay those smarty-pants Cardinal student athletes anything, what with their fancy-schmancy degrees and all.
4) This highlight from 2012 is show. Take two drinks if you’re watching the game with an Oregon fan and he starts weeping. Finish your drink if, through his avalanche of tears, he screams out, “Goddammit, DAT!”
5) They show Oregon kicker Alejandro Maldonado nervously pacing on the sideline. If cameras capture Maldonado vomiting due to nerves, then you must drink until you vomit. That’s called solidarity.
6) The phrase “BCS implications” is used more than five times. Finish your drink if the phrase “the oppositional stance of many poststructural critics is manifested in a sharp critique of what they call ‘humanism’; that is, of the tradition view that the human being or human author is a coherent identity…whose design and intentions effectuate the form and meaning of a literary or other product” is used once.* (Hey, it’s a Stanford game. You never know.)
7) If Phil Knight is shown on the sidelines. Finish your drink if you can confirm that any of the apparel he has on was not made by Nike. If you’re watching the game with a Duck fan and he refers to the Nike co-founder as “Uncle Phil,” feel free to finish his drink and then send him on a beer run for being obnoxious.
8) If Stanford’s Ty Montgomery scores a touchdown. Forget — and by “forget” I mean “drink until your forget there was a rule based on it” — the aforementioned battle between the Oregon offense and the Stanford defense; the most intriguing matchup of the night will be Montgomery against the talented Oregon cornerbacks.
9) If De’Anthony Thomas scores a touchdown. Take two drinks if a reference is made to his comment about how the Ducks should score 40 points. If the Ducks actually do score 40, and if Thomas is the player whose touchdown causes the team to reach that mark, then go get yourself a 40. (You don’t need to drink it tonight, though. Feel free to save it for breakfast since it’ll help get you through the day.)
10) If Stanford wins. I mean, that’s what I’ll be doing.
Enjoy the game and be safe!
*Abrams, M.S., and Geoffrey Galt Harpham. A Glossary of Literary Terms. 9th ed. Boston, MA: Wadsworth Cengage Learning, 2009.