Five ways to improve the 2014 Sochi Olympics

Let’s be honest: Unless you are an avid skiing or snowboarding enthusiast — as in you are not Bob Costas — the Winter Olympics just aren’t quite as thrilling as their estival counterpart. That’s why, with only a few weeks to go until the 2014 Sochi Games, we’ve decided to bring you the five best (and last-minute) ways to make the Sochi Winter Olympics more exciting. Sure, it seems unlikely these changes will be implemented in time for the opening ceremonies on February 7, but that doesn’t mean these ideas aren’t top-notch (they’ve gone through the FanSided focus group and everything).

5) Add football
C’mon, you all know football, the American version, should be an Olympic event. Who cares if it’s not a widely played sport on a global scale? People love football. The International Olympic Committee would be doing the entire planet a favor by adding football. Sure, team U.S.A. would dominate at first, but don’t we pretty much dominate the Olympics anyway? What harm would there be in adding football to the Winter Olympics? What, football can’t be played in snow? Tell that to the Detroit Lions and the Philadelphia Eagles. There are a lot of boring Olympic events, and they all could be replaced by football. Football football football. Football.

4) Snowball fights
Germany vs. Russia duking it out in the trenches for the gold medal. That’s the only justification necessary.

3) Turn them into the Wintour Olympics
‘Cuz then my girlfriend would actually watch them!! #Zing #TimAllenIsMyComedicInspiration

2) Replace all the snow with cocaine
[Insert your own “skiing” jokes here]

1) More Lolo Jones coverage
Guys, did you know Lolo Jones is, like, a two-sport athlete? And that she’s pretty? And that she’s a virgin? I don’t think these points have received enough media attention, and we should rectify this by ensuring her every move is dissected and discussed. Who cares if she doesn’t see her participation as a stunt? Who cares if she wants to be taken seriously as a bobsledder? This is bigger than you, Lolo Jones! What, am I supposed to actually take interest in Lolo Jones as an athlete and not just as a figure in popular culture? Fat chance. To top it off, without devoting obscene amounts of coverage to her, how else am I supposed to make my “25 Babes of the Winter Olympics” slideshow, huh?

Bonus: Drop the whole sports-should-be-apolitical-because-we-need-an-escape-from-reality attitude and use the worldwide focus on Sochi to (at least on occasion) address the abuses of human rights occurring in Russia     Or, you know, not. After all, we wouldn’t want yucky things like the mistreatment of fellow humans to get in the way of our enjoyment of curling.