Listen, Monday is going to be trying for some of you. Not only will you feel the unendurable agony, incomparable to anything in the expanse of human experience, of your favorite team having just lost the Super Bowl, but it will seem every sports blogger you come across is rubbing salt in your wounds. In your despondency, crafting the requisite acerbic response, peppered with things that could vaguely but not legally be construed as “death threats,” may prove challenging, so we’ve decided to simplify the process and provide you with a Mad Lib you can just cut-and-paste into any comment.
Please use responsibly (and by “responsibly” we mean wantonly).
Are you serious!? Because you were probably ________ (watching the game from your mom’s basement / cheering for the [Broncos / Seahawks] like a typical bandwagon fan / staring at a jar of orange juice concentrate, desperately trying to remember how the joke goes about staring at orange juice concentrate, but, since you’re too stupid to even remember THAT, you just give up and weep), I wouldn’t expect any better analysis from you.
Were you even paying attention? Sure, the ________ (Seahawks / Broncos) won, but that’s only because ________ (of that terrible call late in the fourth quarter that was the single most important moment of the game, making the other 59:50 irrelevant / Roger Goodell pulled strings behind the scenes, and by that I mean he literally took to the gallows dissenters opposed to his master plan / those Bud Light “It’s only weird if it doesn’t work” ads are true and some opposing fans totally cornered the juju market). Even an idiot ________ (blogger / writer / “writer” hahahaha yeah you wish, you art school failure) should have been able to see that.
Seriously, ________ (fuck / fuck / fuck) you.
The ________ (Seahawks / Broncos) are TOTALLY takin’ the ‘ship next year! Who will be laughin’ then, huh? All of us in the ________ (12th Man / whatever Denver fans refer to themselves as), that’s ________ (who / whom).
I hope you enjoy your life, loser. What do you know about being a champion? You’ve never accomplished anything, and ________ (you know it / your parents are disappointed in you / … well, neither have I, I suppose. Oh god, have I not really done anything with my life? I have, haven’t I?! Oh god. Oh god, this is bad.).
It’s obvious that you don’t know anything about football; no true fan would ever criticize ________ (Richard Sherman a.k.a. The Figure Who Dominates the Seattle Narrative / Peyton Manning a.k.a. The FIgure Who Dominates the Denver Narrative). He is a ________ (future Hall of Famer / badass), and he is more of a man than you’ll EVER be. You sit behind your screen and act all tough, but let’s see you roll through ________ (Hunt’s Point / Cherry Hill) and talk that crap. You won’t be so tough then, I bet.
Good luck the joke of a site you work for. I hope you enjoy ________ (going back to flipping burgers / you last few moments of consciousness before I strangle the life out of you / the book Interpreter of Maladies, because I like it too and maybe it could be a springboard for our friendship).
Go ________ (Seahawks / Broncos)!!