Super Bowl XLVIII: Announcer Bingo

The only way to make watching the Super Bowl more exciting is to watch the Super Bowl while simultaneously playing Bingo. I suppose you could also watch the Super Bowl from atop a bullet train, fighting off the SWAT team in hand-to-hand combat after having dropped LSD, and that would maybe be a bit more exciting than Bingo, but it’s debatable.

As you’ve probably already noticed and become pissed about, our Super Bowl Announcer Bingo does not come in the classic 5×5 format. Yeah, some assembly is required on your end, sorry (but not sorry). Come on, when’s the last time you ever busted out the scissors and did some arts and/or crafts? It’ll be a blast from the past! Just position the bold-font topics how the letters B-I-N-G-O are normally arranged on a classic Bingo card, and then put the five corresponding entries below their respective topics. Hell, you can even mess around with the order of the entries if you so wish! Who else can offer that level of customization, huh?

(Oh, and there’s no “free space” in the middle, because “free space” Bingo is amateur Bingo.)

Weather

“Whether the weather be fine” poem performed in its entirety

“Snow” being the title of an RHCP song mentioned

“It Will Rain” being the title of a Bruno Mars song mentioned

“Biting” used as a descriptor of the cold

“Biting” used as a technique for Joe Buck to harvest Troy Aikman’s blood so he (Buck) can spit the blood out of the booth à la Triple H as “Red Rain” is played before the broadcast cuts to a commercial

Richard Sherman

NFC Championship Game interview with Erin Andrews described as “controversial”

NFC Championship Game interview with Erin Andrews described as “polarizing”

NFC Championship Game interview with Erin Andrews described as “something that, as a God-fearing white man, made me profoundly uncomfortable”

Degree from Stanford used as a subtly racist way to denounce his on-field persona

Reference to William Tecumseh Sherman made

General Hoopla

Super Bowl called “the biggest sporting event of the year”

Super Bowl called “pretty kickass, bro”

The game is called a “spectacle,” and a discussion — a cursory and clumsy one, of course, but one that is still well-framed enough to pique the interest of any budding Marxist watching the game — of Guy Debord ensues

“Hello to the millions of fans watching across the world” uttered

“Super…BOWL” joke made because both Colorado and Washington recently legalized marijuana and lol

Extended (And Kinda Awkward) Joe Buck Silences

Peyton Manning

Reference to “Omaha” audible tied into a “there’s a lot at stake” pun

Mention of how a debate — no matter how misguided, pointless, and reductive — about his “legacy” will be had — nay, MUST be had — in the event of a loss

Eli’s rings, which obviously make him a greater quarterback than one-ring Peyton, discussed

Passing attack described as “surgical”

Passing attack described as “efficient, merciless, and unstoppable, just like the all of our slow marches towards the grave”