Five lessons from Sunday’s Super Bowl

There will be many lengthy analyses written today about the Super Bowl. This here is not one of those analyses. Considering the game was essentially over before I even released my first beer-fueled belch of the evening, keeping things brief seems appropriate.

So, in case you missed the game or were too drunk to retain any of it, here are the five big lessons we all learned on Sunday night.

1) It’s surprisingly easy to sneak past Super Bowl security, just like how it was surprisingly easy for the government to sneak the truth about 9/11 past the American people.

2) People reeeaaallly dislike multilingual commercials. To be fair, the folks feeling outraged do have a point: America indeed has a single Sprache, and it’s the language of garbled grunts miraculously emitted through mouthfuls of buffalo wings. How dare Coke not recognize that!

3) Wagering on prop bets is monumentally stupid. I mean, could you imagine if you were suckered into betting $100 on the first score of the game being a safety? Boy, you’d sure look like an idiot come Monday.

4) The best way to cope with despondency is pornography. There’s no official word if the infamous “Mr. Hands” video had a spike in viewership from Denver fans looking to find pornographic footage perfectly encapsulating their feelings…but we all know it did.

5) The recitation of the Declaration of Independence as a pregame tradition continues to feel problematic…if you hate America and puppies and Budweiser and Ford and freedom and Old Glory and Esurance and the Founding Fathers, that is. Go watch some soccer, you commie bastard!