Much like playing Candy Land and eating boogers, watching the NBA All-Star Game loses its appeal as you age. When you’re young and excitable, spending an afternoon watching sloppy basketball is exciting because OMG DUNKS! When you’re older and
drunk on cynicism wiser, however, the whole spectacle just doesn’t move the proverbial emotional needle as it previously did.
The solution? Grab a six-pack (or two) and numb yourself with beer until you’re too sedated to muster up disdain for childish things. That’s what we in the psychiatric industry call a “healthy response to aging.” Trust us; we’re experts.
To help you cope with the fact you may no longer love the NBA All-Star Game, here’s a drinking game to make the event more enjoyable.
Drink every turnover
Drink every alley-oop successfully converted
Drink if someone pulls a Tracy McGrady
Drink if there’s a successful “ankle-breaker” (only drink in the defender’s ankle actually breaks. Like, you should be able to see bone jutting through the skin)
Drink (actually, chug) if the game is close — say, within five points — in the fourth quarter. Continue chugging until the game ends or the point differential increases to over five
Drink if Smash Mouth’s “All Star” is played (as it rightfully should be)
Drink every time the cameras show a celebrity sitting in the stands
Drink every time the cameras show a celebrity in the stands and you realize that, man, our standards for what constitutes a celebrity have plummeted over the years
Drink every time the cameras show people in the stands texting as opposed to paying attention to the exhibition game they paid to watch
Drink every time there’s a shot of Bourbon Street. (You should drink a shot of some sort of hard liquor. Like, uh, something named similarly to Bourbon Street. I’m not sure what type of alcohol that would be, but I’ll get back to you on that)
Drink every time there’s a shot of Craig Sager in a suit so garish as to border on a visual war crime
Drink every time there’s a shot of Craig Sager in a suit so garish as to border on a visual war crime…and you find yourself thinking, “Hey, you know what? Those conflicting patterns don’t look so bad.” Then continue to drink until you die, because you are undeserving of being on this planet. (Not because you’re taste in fashion is deplorable, but because you’re just too damn stylish and this drab world doesn’t deserve you)
Drink every time your mind wanders during a commercial break and you wind up pondering if there is anything better you could be doing with your time than watching the NBA All-Star Game