Three criteria to remember when voting for NBA MVP

The MVP race is heating up. James Harden, Russell Westbrook, Kawhi Leonard, and LeBron James have made their case for 60+ games and will present their final arguments in the coming weeks. This years MVP race has split NBA fans like never before. With the rise of advanced metrics and social media, fans have argued incessantly for their favorite.

“It has to be Harden, he’s efficient, putting up insane numbers, and has the Rockets as the third seed.”

“How can it not be Westbrook? He’s going to average a triple-double and the Oklahoma City Thunder would be terrible without him.”

“Kawhi is the best two-way player in the league. Defense matters.”

“LeBron is the best player in the world. Best = MVP.”

People are citing numbers like PER, net rating, true shooting, clutch stats, and a dozen other categories that I don’t understand to build their argument. They’re showing clips of their candidate doing something spectacular to appeal to the “WOW Audience.” They’re tearing down the other candidates in order to build up their candidate, which is a tried and true political tactic.

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In doing all of this, fans are losing sight of the criteria that they should be paying attention to. Being MVP is more than just what you do over the course of a 48-minute basketball game. It’s what you do 24/7. It’s how you influence others. You’re not just the MVP of the season. You’re the MVP of the season, forever. That’s why, voters and people who like to argue on Twitter must take into account the following categories when determining the 2016-2017 NBA MVP.

Friendship

Friendship might be the most valuable quality a candidate can exude. The most famous MVP speech of all time is Kevin Durant’s “Real MVP” speech. It was quoted all the way up until July 4, 2016. At the time, Durant looked like the world’s greatest friend. He wasn’t the MVP. Everyone around him was the Real MVP.

Believe it or not, this is where James Harden has the strongest case. Sure, he ran Dwight Howard out of town, but Dwight doesn’t seem like the easiest guy to get along with despite his charming smile and playful personality during dunk contests. Remember at this year’s All-Star game when Westbrook was shooting on the opposite side of the court from his West teammates? Who was the one guy to go over there and join him? Harden. And who leads the league in assists? Harden. Who leads the league in turnovers? Harden. He’s not only a friend to his team, he’s a friend to the other team as well.

LeBron tried to help his friendship case earlier this week by helping up his teammate in the middle of the game, but he’s also spent a lot of the season complaining about his lack of help. He also didn’t approve the Carmelo Anthony for Kevin Love swap despite being Banana Boat Best Friends Forever with Carmelo. Westbrook hates everyone except for maybe his own teammates, and even that’s debatable. And Kawhi is an emotionless robot not yet programmed to have feelings of friendship.

Face that runs the place

Being MVP means you’re the face of the league for the regular season. It’s like being the world champion in wrestling. WWE wants a clean cut world champion that they can put on talk shows and in movies. Vince McMahon tried for years to prevent Steve Austin from being world champion. And when he was world champion, he tried to change him into a corporate suit. You can’t parade a guy who drinks beer and curses a lot through a hospital to visit sick kids. John Cena has been the face of the WWE for the last ten years because he’s a good looking guy with a goofy personality. Being the NBA MVP means being John Cena.

This is a tough category because the best looking guy, Kawhi Leonard, is also the least charismatic. Kawhi isn’t going on The Tonight Show to play beer pong with Jimmy Fallon. As much as I’d love to hear Kawhi say, “I just play team basketball,” when asked if he has any big plans for the summer, that’s not going to draw any attention to the league. But, when it comes to actual faces, Kawhi’s the best. Plus, the cornrows give him a boost because you can do a lot of cool designs with cornrows. Westbrook has a weird mole that makes him different, but also is a distraction for his otherwise perfect face. Harden’s beard is a detriment in this case because you can’t have a goat face peering into your soul on posters and ads. And there have been so many LeBron hairline jokes that there’s just no coming back from that.

Westbrook edges out LeBron and Harden in the “put this guy in front of the media every day” department. LeBron is great in front of the camera and on talk shows, but there’s a very, “we’ve done this before” vibe from him. The guy has been to the Finals more seasons than Harden and Kawhi have been in the league. And Harden dated Khloe Kardashian, I’m pretty sure he would have PTSD if camera followed him around 24/7.

In the end, Westbrook takes this category because he has range in front of the camera. He’s already in 100 different commercials, he’s a fashion icon, and he dabbles in singing/rapping. That’s an off the court triple-double.

Signature moves

You want an MVP that you can impersonate. If B.A. can’t make a five minute video where he does a spot on impression of how you act and play basketball, you can’t be MVP. Kids growing up want to imitate the superstars they see on TV. I still lick my fingertips like Steve Nash whenever I’m playing. Every single person growing up stuck their tongue out like Michael Jordan when driving to the basket. For the last two years, everyone started shooting 30-foot 3-pointers, turning around before the ball went in, and chewing on their mouthpiece. If kids can’t imitate you, you’re not MVP worthy.

This immediately disqualifies Kawhi. No one wants to play defense at the YMCA.

Westbrook just does a lot of angry stomping and yelling. There’s really no way to imitate Russell Westbrook because that implies even Russell Westbrook knows what the hell he’s doing. Also, it’s impossible to get a triple-double in a pick-up game. However, I have seen people arrive in weird outfits that they claim they just threw on. LeBron has a few signature moves. There’s the pre-game powder celebration, thumping of the chest before lowering the floor, and flexing after an and-one. All of these have been stolen in various mediums over the years. Harden’s pot-stirring celebration has really caught on over the years.

I was at a high school basketball game late last year. This girl scored on a fastbreak lay-up in the third quarter and did the Harden pot stir. Her team was down ten. It was her third and fourth points of the game. It was quite honestly the best thing I’ve ever seen in person.

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This comes down to LeBron vs. Harden. LeBron’s signature moves are more popular, especially the powder thing. I know people who bring baby powder to pick-up games just to throw it in the air. A waste of perfectly good baby powder. But high school girls with four points think they’re cooking like Harden.

Somehow, I’m pretty sure I just complicated things ever further. Sorry.