The following story is satire. Like the rest of you, we're not sure *what* Rafael Devers — and Triston Casas, for that matter — are thinking right now.
Boston Red Sox third baseman — yes, you heard RIGHT — Rafael Devers started a gossip tornado over the weekend by delivering the answer that Vladimir Guerrero Jr. later stole to describe his extension progress: "No."
Following the acquisition of Alex Bregman, Devers refused to relinquish third base and move to DH, prompting Sox manager Alex Cora to note that the man who reportedly "promised" Devers third base for an extended period of time (former chief baseball officer Chaim Bloom) is no longer employed by the organization. In a word, yikes. In two words, extremely yikes.
But why's Devers being so precious about a position change? Doesn't he want to go full David Ortiz Mode and just rake full time? It's tough to figure out why a negative-OAA infielder wouldn't want to accommodate a Gold Glover and win more, but these 10 reasons might be what's fueling the negativity.
Big Papi Cursed the DH Position in Boston When He Retired: You may be saying, "But what about JD Martinez?" Well ... why hasn't he been signed yet this offseason?! You may now be saying, "the aging process," and to that I don't have a fantastic rebuttal. That actually tracks.
Devers Wants to Be as Far Across the Diamond as Possible From Triston Casas: "What's that? Oh, yeah, no, I hear you. Stream of conscious F-bombs because you hit one single rollover grounder. Makes sense. Oh, you want to try sock-less yard work? Yeah, no, the crowd's pretty loud, we should probably get back to baseball."
There's a Lot of Cool Stuff Under There: Dude, come see this! You gotta check this out. There's so much cool stuff under third base. There's pogs and chiclets, dude. Dude, look at this!
Someone Once Told Devers That Defensive Stats Are Like Golf Scores and He Still Believes It: "-12 OAA? I'm the best around!"
Chaim Bloom is Operating Devers Like Ratatouille Under His Hat: Has anyone confirmed whether Chaim Bloom is operating Devers like some sort of Ratatouille under his hat?
Passionate About Infield Feng Shui: He'd be willing to give Bregman third if they could just balance things out with a sensible couch between shortstop and second.
Scared to Share a Clubhouse With Aroldis Chapman after 2017 Home Run: Who wouldn't be? Time for a holdout.
Better View of Ben Affleck: If you're in the dugout all game, you can only see Ben Affleck, like, three or four times. At third base, you can literally see him 100 times.
Funniest Guy in Fenway Park Crowd Sits Down Third-Base Line: "Have you heard this guy? Man, this guy is hilarious! Hey, tell that very funny joke again about how Alex Bregman deserves $11 million more than me this season, even though I'm the face of the franchise! Hey, Alexes — Cora and Bregman — isn't that very funny? No, Triston, I wasn't talking to y- oh, yeah, the weather is feeling vernal equinox-ish, you're totally right."
Mookie Betts is Trying to Force Devers to the Dodgers: The 10-year extension really foiled this one for a couple years, but we're back on track, baby!