Surprise! It's a text from an unknown number! You're in a meeting; is it an emergency, or can it wait? Everyone's looking at you. The presentation has come to a complete halt. Your phone just pinged again. God, who are these people?! Oh. It's Vinnie Pasquantino and Michael Wacha sharing photos of large-mouth bass.
Look. We've all been there. This exact scenario has happened to every single one of us. Thankfully, there are better and more exciting MLB group chats out there, just waiting for someone to fat-finger your number into them. Now, to check CNN quickly to see if there happens to be any relevant reason to write about group texts on this particular day — oh!
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MLB player group chats we'd love to accidentally be added to (and not report on, never report on)
Giancarlo Stanton, Aaron Judge and Cody Bellinger: They started this chat in 2017 when they all famously met/posed together at the Home Run Derby in Miami. Initially begun to consolidate Cubano sandwich recommendations, the text took on an entirely different magnitude of importance when Bellinger was traded to the Yankees this fall. These days, it's mostly Bellinger and Judge clowning on the Yankees' breakfast bar while Stanton sadly chimes in, "Save me a waffle? And maybe cut it for me?"
The Phillies' outfield: Nick Castellanos and Brandon Marsh share hair-care secrets; Castellanos has a meticulous 1.5-hour routine distilled down to the second, while Marsh dumps his hair in egg wash for eight seconds every few days. Meanwhile, Max Kepler chimes in every so often to ask, "When we win, is the bell loud?"
The Mets' rotation: Honestly, full of so many randos at this point they wouldn't even notice you coming and going. You could spend a month in there thumbs-upping children's birthday party pics before someone said, "Hey, wait, Tylor Megill is in here twice" and blew your cover. They've accidentally kicked Clay Holmes out three times, forgetting he doesn't belong in the bullpen chat anymore.
The Boras Four: Ever since Blake Snell, Matt Chapman, Cody Bellinger and Jordan Montgomery were forced to wait longer than anyone expected to sign their big-money deals last offseason, they've kept a thread going. At first, it was to plan workouts to stay loose; then, it quickly devolved into financial advice, long-term money management strategies, and affordable timeshares. There's also a version of this group text featuring all four guys plus Boras, and this thread gets the most catty play when Boras texts the other one.
Pittsburgh Pirates' rotation: Have you ever wanted to read four men constantly saying "sorry" to Paul Skenes? Then "Nutting's Ninjas" might be the chat for you.
The Baltimore Orioles' young infielders and also Pete Hegseth is in there for some reason: Very fun chat full of war plans and WAR plans!
Dodgers MVPs: Shohei Ohtani, Mookie Betts, and Freddie Freeman mainly use this thread to text "You're Up Next" as a reminder to the following hitter that it's their turn to hit a home run. Chris Taylor keeps trying to join, but the trio insists the 2017 NLCS co-MVP doesn't count. Might want to avoid joining this thread for the next few weeks, though. Right now, it's mostly Mookie listing off various foods he can't keep down.
Terry Francona's Curfew Checker: What should be the most boring group chat in the league actually rules. Its stated purpose is for Francona to ask each member of his 26-man Reds roster to respond, "I'm in bed!" when he prompts them after 10 p.m., but given the 65-year-old's technology allergy, he ends up unknowingly blasting 12 additional messages per day to the entire team. From stew recipes, to furniture sales, to different stew recipes, this chat has it all!
The Department of Defense: Otherwise known as Gold Glove winners Cal Raleigh, Bobby Witt Jr., Daulton Varsho, Brice Turang, and Patrick Bailey, this thread mostly discusses — you guessed it! — the plot holes in "Inception".
Astros' 2019 Cheating System Alert Thread: No, "2019" is not a typo. This is the automated program that produces the buzzes. Might be fun to sneak in there.