10 things Yankees could squeeze out of their budget to afford Alex Bregman

Gone are the days of George Steinbrenner flaunting his endless wealth in order to snap up any player who strikes his fancy. On the contrary, arriving are the days where the Dodgers' ownership group, collectively possessed by Steinbrenner's ghost in what we call "A Classic Beetlejuice Scenario," handle all the business the Yankees used to.

While the rest of baseball files fairness complaints with the Better Business Bureau, the Yankees actually could finish off a nifty little offseason with one more move. Free agent/former Yankees tormentor Alex Bregman is somehow still available. Three years of Nolan Arenado have been dangled repeatedly in trade, to the point where Arenado has specifically asked not to be dangled anymore (legs getting tired from dangling).

The Yankees have no interest in filling out their infield with a star, though, unless they can move a hefty portion of the $18 million remaining on Marcus Stroman's contract (and the looming vesting player option for 2026). Luckily, we found several other things the Yankees could slice out of their budget if Stroman's proving too difficult to move.

10 things Yankees could cut from the budget to sign Alex Bregman (or trade for Nolan Arenado)

Year's Supply of Aftershave: Removing the antiquated facial hair policy and making shaving optional again would rid the Yankees of the burden of providing aftershave balm for their entire roster and traveling party. Even designating just two or three players as "Beard Guys" could free up enough funds to offer Bregman an All-Star or MVP incentive.

Influencer Budget for Gigantic Milkshakes: We get it. The gigantic milkshakes are quite large. You can fit a whole cookie in there. Look, there's a slice of cake in my straw. Oh, wow, a lobster claw on the rim. No need to promote these any further; pretty sure the message has been received.

Marcus Stroman's Dad: Stroman himself makes some sense as a No. 6 starter/depth, but why are the Yankees paying Stroman's dad? (*takes one look at Stroman's dad*) Never mind, I get it. Would you like a raise, sir? Here, take the keys to my home.

Monthly Pinstriped No. 18 Jersey Deliveries to Yoshinobu Yamamoto: Why do we keep printing these and mailing them to Los Angeles?! He didn't sign here!

Comped Celebrity Box Seats: From now on, the only celebrity who's allowed to sit down there for free is Steve Schirripa. Everybody else better pay up. Talking to YOU, Paul Simon. You left your lyric sheets under the chair, by the way. You got 10 minutes before we turn 'em over to Schirripa.

American Flag Bunting for Playoffs: Why drape high-quality flags and banners over each section when printed-out paper flags and tape will do the trick? Plus, if you miss the playoffs, this takes care of itself.

Ostentatious Room Full of Bookshelves for Free Agent Contract Signings: The Mets, with the wealthiest owner in baseball, have their free agents pose for photos in a McDonald's Playplace. This seems like an inefficiency.

That One Security Guard Who Made Juan Soto's Chef/Driver Wait in the Rain: Come on. We, uh, don't need this guy, I don't think.

Aaron Boone's Salary: You want to keep managing the Yankees, but don't want to do it on a lame duck one-year deal? No worries. Hear you loud and clear. How 'bout you manage for free?

In-Flight WiFi: Oh, whoops, the Yankees already refuse to pay for that and charge the players. Disregard. Thought we'd found a good one here.