NFL Beer Power Rankings
Beer and football go hand-in-hand like Nick Cage and bad decisions. Some people use football as an excuse to drink beer. Others use beer as an excuse to watch football. Either way we’re all hooked on the most popular sport this side of soccer, there’s no denying that.
With the regular season bearing down on us we’re being bombarded with the usual premature hype that comes with preseason power rankings.
Ask yourself, what are preseason power rankings but the product of boredom and sobriety?
That’s why we’re rolling out a brand new way to rank NFL teams – with beer. We don’t need an excuse to drink beer if football is on. We’ll start pounding brews at 9am on a Sunday just because there’s football on and it’s perfectly acceptable. So it’s only natural we use the same excuse logic to rank our NFL teams via beer comparisons.
32. Jacksonville Jaguars – Natural Light
There might not be bigger waste of cash than buying a case of Natty Light. There might not be a team that wastes more top 10 picks in the draft than the Jags.
31. Cleveland Browns – Pabst Blue Ribbon
Hard to believe the Browns were once among the elite of professional football in American. Even more difficult to digest is that PBR was once an award winning beer.
30. Minnesota Vikings – Steel Reserve
Drink Steel Reserve all day long on a Sunday and the next morning you’ll know how the Vikings feel after their ill-advised Favre bender.
29. Indianapolis Colts – Lagunitas Lucky 13
The Colts can only hope their new-found Luck is as good as this fantastic ale from one of the better and more creative breweries in Cali.
28. Miami Dolphins – Tecate
If there’s nothing else around and you’re drinking beer for beer’s sake then Tecate will work just fine. Shotgun 4 or 12 of them and you’ll forget you’re wasting away on crap beer. If you need a football fix and there’s no other game on then you can do a lot worse than the Dolphins. You will also have a more enjoyable Sunday shotgunning Tecate than you will betting on the Phins.
27. St. Louis Rams – Rolling Rock
For a hot minute Rolling Rock was a trendy beer until people came to their senses and realized there’s nothing to it. Same goes for the Rams and Sam Bradford. Good luck with all of that, Jeff Fisher.
26. Washington Redskins – Red Stripe
Nothing wrong with Red Stripe. It’s a great session beer for a Sunday plus its profile is on the rise. There are plenty of better teams in the NFL but with RG3 the Redskins profile is on the rise even if their record might not be.
25. Tampa Buccaneers – Colt 45
Drink enough Colt 45 and you’ll get drunk which helps if you’re a Bucs fan. Watch enough Josh Freeman and you’ll want an intravenous drip of Colt 45.
24. Arizona Cardinals – Coors
America has been suckered into thinking Coors is worth its price tag. No matter how cheap it’s not worth more than a bottle of drinking water. The Cardinals were suckered into putting their faith in Kevin Kolb. No matter what you pay Kolb he’s not worth his weight in John Skelton.
23. Seattle Seahawks – Bud Lime
Pete Carroll seems to have no idea what kind of team he’s building in Seattle. Talk about a team with an identity crisis. Bud Lime is a beer that has no clue what demographic it’s supposed to be appealing too.
22. Tennessee Titans – Amstel Light
Nothing screams mediocrity like a light beer. Still, Amstel is among the better lights beers out there (if there is such a thing). Nothing screams praying for mediocrity like drafting Jake Locker and overpaying Chris Johnson. The Titans are an interesting bottom dweller (if there is such a thing).
21. New York Jets – Miller Lite
Is there another team out there that has more gimmicks both on and off the field that mask an otherwise inferior product? Is there another beer out there with more ridiculous packaging gimmicks Lite all meant to mask an inferior product? We need twisted bottles delivering crappy beer faster to our mouths like we need crappy backup QBs hogging the headlines everyday.
20. Carolina Panthers – Red Hook
The Panthers instantly became popular once Cam Newton arrived. Red Hook has been a quality brewery for years now but gained a new fame thanks to a partnership with Dan Patrick.
19. Kansas City Chiefs – Fat Tire
It’s hard to know what to make of Fat Tire. Are its flavors too bold for a Sunday of drinking? Is it trendy, tasty or tired? Bottom line, it’s a good beer with unique flavor even if it’s not NFL appropriate. Same goes for the Chiefs. Are they on the rise, stuck in neutral or sinking to the bottom? Bottom line is there is enough talent in KC to make a serious run at the playoffs.
18. Oakland Raiders – Racer 5
Overlooking the Raiders is all too easy because they’ve been stuck in neutral for two years running. With a new regime in place and plenty of talent on the roster a new era is upon us. Racer 5 is among the best IPAs you’ll find…when you can find it. Do yourself a favor and don’t sleep on either the Raiders or Racer.
17. Buffalo Bills – Labatt Blue
A Canadian beer sold here in the States for an American team that plays in Canada.
16. Denver Broncos – Bud Light
You’ll be hard pressed to find a sports bar that isn’t filled with Bud Light drinkers mindlessly following the flock on Sundays. Same goes for everyone picking the Broncos just because a certain stiff-necked QB has taken up residence in Denver.
15. Dallas Cowboys – Olde English
The Cowboys always seem like a solid pick. You get caught up in the logo, the mystic and the hype. In the end they leave you bloated with disgust. Olde English sounds like it should be a classy beer. In the end it’s a crappy malt liquor that leaves you bloated and disgusted.
14. San Diego Chargers – Miller Genuine Draft
MGD is as uninspired a beer as you can crack open on a Sunday. The Chargers are about as lazy a pick as you can make in the preseason. Still, MGD sales enough to make a nice profit just as the Chargers win enough to keep suckers on the hook.
13. Cincinnati Bengals – Bear Republic Hop Rod Rye
Rye ales are an acquired taste. Hoppy rye ales even more so. None the less Bear Republic has found the perfect balance even if this brew will never become a wildly popular item flying off shelves. It’s hard to accept the Bengals as a top tier team but that’s where they’re headed if things keep up. They’ve got a nice balance on both offense and defense but the Bengals are still a good shouting distance away from contending.
12. Chicago Bears – Michelob Ultra
There’s really no reason to drink Ultra on a Sunday. What are you trying to prove? Haterism aside, it’s among the better light beers you’ll find even if it’s missing a few somethings. There’s absolutely no reason to believe the Bears will win the Super Bowl. Are you crazy betting them to win it all? Jay Cutler hate aside, this is a top tier NFL team even if it’s missing that championship it.
11. Atlanta Falcons – Heineken
Heineken is a clichéd beer that is good if there’s nothing else around but in the end is ultimately disappointing. The Falcons are a good enough team that consistently finds a way to leave their fans wanting more.
10. Philadelphia Eagles – Blue Moon
Blue Moon is always a great pick for a Sunday of drinking. In the end it’s a good but not great beer. The Eagles are a good pick every Sunday but in the end they’re a good but not great team.
9. Detroit Lions – Sierra Nevada Pale Ale
Not too long ago the only people who cared about the Lions lived in Motown. These days the Lions are on the rise and impossible to ignore. Just over a decade ago the only people who enjoyed Sierra Nevada flagship beer lived in Chico. These days Sierra is everywhere and its star is definitely on the rise in the beer world.
8. Houston Texans – Budweiser
Budweiser is by no means a good beer. Yet it sales like Ed Hardy apparel in a tanning salon. The Texans are not a great pick to win the Super Bowl. Yet you’d be hard pressed to find a team with as much talent as the Texans.
7. Pittsburgh Steelers – Victory Hop Devil
It’s easy to overlook the Steelers. Every year they’re written off and every other year they get right back in the mix. Unless you know what you’re looking for odds are you’ll walk right past Hop Devil. But give it a try and you’ll become a believer with each sip.
6. New Orleans Saints – Chimay Blue
If all you do is read headlines then you might assume the Saints season is over before it’s started. Never underestimate the heart of a champion. If you’re not up on beer game then Chimay Blue might seem like an overpriced snob’s beer. But have a couple pints and you’ll be floating like Jesse Pinkman the first time he rolled. Never underestimate a 9% beer brewed by Trappist monks.
5. Baltimore Ravens – Stella Artois
Stella is popular enough that nobody is going to question your taste if you’re drinking it during the game. Of course there are definitely better options out there but it’s a solid choice no matter your taste. Picking the Ravens is never a bad thing. You’ll do just fine in Vegas if you’re betting on Baltimore on the regular just don’t expect to get rich. There are always better bets to be made but Baltimore is a solid pick no matter what.
4. San Francisco 49ers – Samuel Adams Boston Lager
Almost overnight Sam Adams went from trendy microbrew to major player in the beer game. With the arrival of Jim Harbaugh the 9ers went from football after thought to potential Super Bowl contender. However, much like Sam Adams there is only so much room for growth in the beer market and for the 9ers there’s only so much you can get out of Alex Smith.
3. New York Giants – Corona
There’s no real reason to get excited about Corona. Bland, over-hyped and over-exposed. The Giants aren’t much different. They’re generally uninspired, indifferent and get way too much attention purely due to their location. But just when you’re ready to write the Giants off they sneak up and steal a Lombardi leaving you wondering what you missed along the way. Same goes for Corona. Enough of them on a hot day will leave you wondering what happened.
2. New England Patriots – Guinness Stout
Guinness is one of the more clichéd beers on the planet and the Pats are among the most clichéd picks in all of sports. None the less, Guinness has worldwide respect for a reason as too do the Pats.
1. Green Bay Packers – Stone Ruination
Stone’s exquisitely hopped Ruination packs a mean punch and stands alone much like the Packers. However also like the 2011 Packers did to fans in Wisconsin so too does Ruination to IPA lovers everywhere – leaves a bitter taste in your mouth.