Chris Kluwe Fires Back at Deadspin’s “Why Your Team Sucks” Series

For the past month or so, website Deadspin has been posting articles and various ‘breakdowns’ on why teams in the NFL suck. They’ve titled this series, Why Your Team Sucks and although it seems to be all in good fun, some people aren’t tickled by the critizsim.

One of those guys is Minnesota Vikings Punter Chris Kluwe.

For those of you unfamiliar with Kluwe, he not only punts but has quite the personality. From his video game review show on Minnesota’s KFAN 100.3, to his often outspoken views on just about everything on Twitter, Kluwe isn’t afraid to speak his mind and be — colorful– about it.

He demonstrates his skill by combining his inner Hemingway with his inner Roger Ebert in a profanity laced, scathing review of Deadspin’s critique on why his team, the Vikings, suck.

Kluwe has fired back with a piece on why Deadspin sucks. Here’s some lovely excerpts:

"1. Drew Magary is a bloviating turkey tit. Let’s face it, every time Drew Magary decides to post something it’s an absolute guarantee that he’ll spend four paragraphs self-indulgently masturbating his ego with how many multi-syllable words he can fit into one sentence while making hyperbolic statements that would shame Baron von Münchausen. We get it Drew, you got high honors from the University of Phoenix Online. Now shut the fuck up so we can read something that doesn’t take five hours to finish."

Ha! Kluwe wastes no time in getting the claws right into Magary’s jugular. But Kluwe doesn’t finish there. Here’s another gem:

"3. Half of these goddamn articles are a complete waste of time. Like this. And this. And especially this. There’s absolutely no reason I should be forced to slog through this mind-numbing pageview padding when all I want to do is read about Adrian Peterson’s 15th rushing touchdown in a game, or how Christian Ponder just saved a convent full of nuns from dickzombies. You’re supposed to be reporting about sports, not some TMZ-type garbage that would make Ryan Seacrest shit himself in embarassment. Just do your fucking job right every time—it’s not that hard."

Kluwe sort of repeats himself here, but instead of singling out Magary, he goes after the network as a whole. His second point was essentially saying the same thing as well. Basically, Kluwe repeats the same point three times, he just does it in creative news ways each time. But then there’s this one:

"4. That stupid as fuck Kinja/u/o.i™ whatever-the-hell-it-is system just sent an entire African village into crippling drought and now they’re all dead. I hope you assholes are happy."

I might be out of the loop, but I have no idea what the hell this means. Someone, please bring me up to speed. Or do I need to be on it to fully grasp the understanding of this one?

The next question is whether or not Kluwe is going to hear from the NFL on this one. It’s not like women and children are sitting down after dinner to read the latest Deadspin piece, but this is a less than friendly and obviously not light hearted retort to a piece the media ran. Kluwe will likely not hear from the NFL about this one. This rant is no different than Dennis Green’s “Crown their asses” or Herm Edwards emphatic “We play to win the game!” and everything in-between.

But still, this is probably the funniest and most creative thing Deadspin has ever run. And thank the football gods it didn’t involve a sports agent telling the world how he got his clients laid or an NFL Hall of Famer exposing himself on a cell phone.

Instead it involves a NFL punter putting his foot to good work and creative work.