ARE. YOU. KIDDING ME?: The Official Reggie Miller Drinking Game

As basketball fans, we’ve been subjected to two different versions of Reggie Miller.The first form ebbed and flowed between multiple screens, unleashing long bombs from only the sweat of his palms. Reggie Miller the Pacer seemed almost like an illusion. How could he score 8 points in just 9 seconds? He said WHAT to Michael Jordan? Did he really turn an entire city against Spike Lee? He was divisive, sacred to some and insufferable to others. It was heartbreaking for fans. The man who refused to lose never got the chance to truly win, and the end to his playing career was bittersweet.

Miller had taken a troubled franchise to incredible highs, reaching the playoffs in all but one season from 1990 to 2005, but he could not reach the holy land. A majestic career came to a close with people only wondering what could have been.And then when fans heard his voice on the air for the first time, it was over. Gone. Being the self-interested, what-have-you-done-for-me-lately creatures that we are, we tore him to shreds.

Any joy we felt towards Reggie was devoured by the fact that in the present moment, basketball games are a little bit less enjoyable with him in the broadcast booth.

Reggie Miller is many things:
Multiple time All-Star? If you count five as multiple.
Hall of Famer? As of September 7th, 2012.
The greatest three-point shooter of all time? Sure. It’s either him or Ray Allen.
One of the most polarizing figures in NBA history? Just ask Knicks fans.
Model human? Yeah, I’ll give him that one too.
Belly-button tattoo enthusiast? Oh yeah.
Are the allegations that he was in fact, born with ice in his veins, true? Confirmed by anyone who has ever shaken his hand.

However, announcer extraordinaire… he is not.

TNT Thursdays, while generally pretty awesome, can have a sour taste to them when fans are forced to listen to arguably the worst announcer in the 66 years of NBA history. For some fans, Reggie is so terrible that hilarity ensues, adding a new layer of enjoyment to the game. Or maybe you actually like him. There are people who think @NotBillWalton is funny, too. But if you can’t see it that way, this game will be perfect for you.

Instructions:
1. Have everything in your liquor cabinet at your disposal.
2. Listen closely.
3. Try not to get hospitalized.

Disclaimer: Playing this game may work out to a zero-sum arrangement in terms of enjoyability, since the game involves listening to Miller’s words much more closely. Of course, the more you pay attention to what he says, the more intoxicated you’ll get. If things get really rough, just start doubling down.

Without any further ado, it is with great pleasure that I present to you…

The Reggie Miller Drinking Game

Rule one: Drink every time Reggie Miller and/or his partner reminisces about his NBA playing days.

This is probably the most recognizable Reggie-ism. What makes this most annoying is its

constant recurrence, while in reality Miller-time was pretty cool. I’ll start the game off slow and propose a Miller Lite. Here’s the kicker though: every proceeding time that there is any reference to his glory days, you have to take a double of what you were drinking.

Rule two: Drink every time Reggie starts a sentence by saying “When was the last time…”

This happens at least twice a game. The ensuing phrase will probably be something along the lines of “… player X touched the ball?” or “… that you’ve seen a move like that?” The verdict? Crown & coke. Paying attention to this rule is what made me realize just how grossly mismanaged Reggie’s sentence structure is.

Rule three: Drink whenever the crew is mildly racist.

If they don’t get too out of hand, it can be downright hilarious to listen to an occasional underlying hint of racism from the crew. It doesn’t happen often, but it’s sure to get you wrecked when it does.  If it does indeed happen, you have to take an extra shot of tequila for every minute it continues.

Rule four:  Drink every time Reggie Miller says something that’s blatantly wrong.

Here’s the thing: It’s ridiculously annoying, but at the same time it’d be irresponsible of me to assign too strong of an alcoholic beverage to it, since it happens so often. Not that using my time to design a Reggie Miller drinking time is responsible, but let’s be real. It’s not in the instructions but I would advocate trying not to die. Take a sip of your beer.

Rule five: Drink every time Reggie Miller contradicts himself within the same 15 seconds.

This happens probably seven times per second. I’m going to have to add the same “drink responsibly” tag to this one as I did to the last. Here’s the best part though: You have to chug if he does this within the same phrase. I’m beginning to come to the conclusion that Reggie is actually very knowledgable about the sport, but his puzzling inability to construct a thought into a legible sentence remains his downfall.

Rule six: Drink every time something Reggie Miller says leads you to making this face.

This rule doubles as any possible rule I may have missed. It’s more of an insurance policy, just in case something not on this list that Reggie does or says inspires you to want to drink. It’s only natural for one to want to drink after making such a face, so I’ll give you free reign on this one. Drink what you will.

Rule seven:Drink every time Reggie Miller compares someone else’s shooting mechanics to that of his own.This one is probably my favourite thing that happens in games that Reggie calls. Yes, Reggie, we know. You’re the greatest three-pointer shooter of all time, even though Ray Allen

shattered your record, and did it in fewer games (and yes, we totally believe that you’re 100% happy for him.) That doesn’t mean you have to go on a ten minute tangent about how Blake Griffin’s decent-looking shooting form doesn’t correlate with his not-so-decent free throw percentage.

Rule eight:Drink every time Reggie has to clarify that he does, in fact, have a good relationship with Spike Lee.This one, like the mild racism one, is situational. It’s not going to happen every time, but when it does you’re going to be in for a treat. Look down at your cup. Is it more than half full? Good. Chug. If not, better finish it off, refill and then chug some more.

Rule nine:Drink every time Reggie calls a player by the wrong name.

It can be annoying at times, but this one happens to even the best of commentators. Seriously guys, cut the guy some slack… sheesh. Chill out man. Drink some water, and maybe go to the washroom or something.

Rule ten: Drink every time Reggie says ticky-tack.

I. Hate. When. He. Says. This. Abominable. Word. “Ticky-tack” might be my least favourite word that isn’t in the dictionary. You sit back, I’ll try to relax and we’ll both have a shot of rum.

Rule eleven (PLAYOFFS ONLY): Drink every time Reggie decides to clarify which series he’s calling, mid-game.

I’ll spell this one out a little bit. Everyone once in a while, when something ridiculously awesome or terrible happens, Reggie will – seemingly out of the blue – start screaming something along the lines of “THIS IS GAME 4 THE WESTERN CONFERENCE SEMI-FINALS”.

Rule twelve: Drink every time Reggie Miller says “ARE. YOU. KIDDING ME.”

I can’t say that I really find it annoying when he does this. It’s a realistic reaction for any announcer to have when something really cool happens during a game. But in terms of reactions to “EWAJFALRQEU(ask;lsa”-type events, Reggie’s takes are among my favourites. I mean, it’s no “with no regard for human life”, but he more than holds his own. And hey, you’re excited… LeBron probably just dunked all over someone so go ahead and finish the rest of your beer.

Rule thirteen: Drink every time Reggie Miller starts a sentence by saying “If you’re head coach/player X, you’ve gotta be…” and then proceeds to confuse everyone who is willing to listen.

So basically, you can cut the latter part of this rule off. Every time that Reggie starts a sentence like this, he manages to lose everyone – including himself, I think – within seconds. I usually just stop paying attention. Sometimes though, you’ll actually manage to catch on to the point he’s making. So if you do catch on, take a sip of your col’-ass brew and bask in the glory that is understanding the former Pacers shooting guard. If not, that’s a double-shot of rye.

Rule fourteen: Drink every time Reggie realizes he’s wrong mid-sentence, and says incoherent nonsense to make you forget about his prior incoherent nonsense.

This will happen at least four times a game, but you’ve got to watch out for it. Have some vodka, orange juice and 7-Up ready.

Rule fifteen: Drink every time Reggie makes a dismissive comment about advanced stats.

Most people are going to get annoyed by this… especially if their name is Sean Highkin (thanks for the rule idea by the way). If this ever actually happens again, take a double shot of everclear to magnify your absolute disgust. And if your name is John Hollinger, you’d better wipe the bottle clean enough that the Raptors’ offers for Rudy Gay seem acceptable.

Rule sixteen: Drink every time Reggie makes a reference to Ray Allen as the greatest three-point shooter of all time.

If there has ever been a case where Reggie is guilty of hilarious overcompensation, this is it. He clearly still believes himself worthy of that honor, despite the fact that, again, Ray Allen has hit more threes than him and did it in fewer attempts. But he doesn’t want to come off as bitter, so he gives Jesus Shuttlesworth props. A part of his soul dies every time he says it, just as a part of your liver will die when this prompts you to take down a double shot of Jager.

And last, but not least…

Rule seventeen: Drink until you no longer notice that Reggie Miller is announcing the game.

After all, isn’t that the whole point?