ESPN’S NFL picks for week 7: Chris Mortenson is straight up trolling you
ESPN, like every other major media outlet, releases weekly NFL picks.
There is nothing particularly unique about the way ESPN presents their weekly picks, save for the fact that they have approximately 100 different experts submitting them. Seriously, look at the sheer number of talking heads “The World Wide Leader” throws at NFL fans every week.
Apparently everyone that works at ESPN gets to weigh in on which teams they think will win each week. Mailroom guy? Did you get your picks in this week? What about you trash collector? What about that accountant up on the 7th floor? Yes, I know he died last year but does he have the Colts or the Broncos?
Anyway, I usually set aside three hours each Thursday morning to quickly review ESPN’s weekly NFL picks and this week I noticed that Chris Mortenson quietly slipped in the single greatest troll job ever when it comes to picking NFL games.
At first, I thought maybe Chris just had a hunch or hell, maybe even some insider information he obtained from a source (Usually a Jay Glazer Tweet). The farther down the list I got, however, it became pretty clear that old Mort either had a stroke when he was making his picks or he is just straight up trolling.
At first, everything seems normal. Seahawks over Cards. Falcons over Bucs. Lions over Bengals, Dolphins over Bills, Patriots over Jets. All plausible, if not likely.
Mort appears to have had his stroke right around the time he picked the Cleveland Browns to defeat the Green Bay Packers.
Just to be clear, there is no indication that Mort believes that the 1964 Cleveland Browns are playing this Sunday. As far as we can tell, he actually thinks Brandon Weeden and 104-year-old Willis McGahee are going to roll into Lambeau Field and curb-stomp Aaron Rodgers and the Packers.
Sure, the Browns are improved and if Brian Hoyer were suiting up (I think I just had a stroke) maybe Cleveland would have a chance. But Weeden over Rodgers?
All right, well maybe Mort just had a hunch. We can’t fault him for one bold prediction a week, can we?
He picked the Titans over the 49ers, you say?
Oh yes. Look out San Francisco, you’re going to the
home of the loudest fans in the NFL
,
den of Ryan Fitzpatrick
,
house that Chris Johnson built but then fell into default on his mortgage
, Tennessee.
After going “lone wolf” on a coupe of games, Mort evidently decided that all fantastic trolling escapades come in threes. Any good WWE heel will tell you that you when you think you’ve gotten all the heat you can out of a crowd then the logical thing to do is not to back off, but to insult their mothers.
That, or pick the Jacksonville Jaguars to win a real, live NFL football game against a real, live NFL team.
Mort’s got the Jags over the Chargers.
The Jacksonville Jaguars (known more commonly by their opponents as “the extra bye week), are an NFL football team that plays in the AFC South Division. There is exactly one Jaguars fan still living in the United States and FanSided just happens to have him on staff. He writes a weekly NFL recap from the point of view of a depressed Jags fan. The column is not for small children, heart conditions or Tom Coughlin.
Now that we’ve poked fun at Mort for his predictions, you can be sure that each and everyone of them will come true.
And that Sunday marks the start of the Apocalypse.
Oh Mort, never change.
