In our continual effort to ensure that you have the best Halloween possible, we here at FanSided have decided to present to you some A+ suggestions for NFL-themed Halloween costumes. Each of these getups is guaranteed to make you the life of every party you attend, even/especially if that party is full of zombies (because they’re undead lol). So sit back, take notes, and feel free to send us bushels of bitcoins as payment for using our suggestions.
CHRIS JOHNSON
I’m not sure exactly how to make a costume out of the abstract notions of “fantasy” and “disappointment,” but I suppose you could, like, dress up as Mila Kunis and lure drunk bros back to your pad with promises of Jackie Burkhart role-playing, only to then stab the horny buffoons in the chest with pruning shears upon arrival. That’d at least be a disappointing way for my fantasy to turn out, but feel free to substitute the sexy actress and semi-sharp household weapon of your choice.
HOUSTON TEXANS QUARTERBACK
Leave a Fathead of Matt Schaub plastered to your front door with an overflowing bowl of candy sitting on the doorstep for the neighborhood trick-or-treaters. Put up a sign that instructs them to pick six. See, not only will you be the cool house where children get more than one piece of candy, but not answering the door will give you more spare time to wander the streets in your Houston jersey, cheering when little children fall and hurt themselves.
SEATTLE SEAHAWKS FAN
You’ll need a pioneer outfit and some obnoxiously neon Nikes (it’s hard work catching up to the bandwagon, so proper athletic footwear is a must). You should also probably accessorize with a bunch of stereotypically Seattle things, like a Starbucks cup or a rain jacket or a suicide.
RILEY COOPER
If you’re worried people will take offense at you depicting the controversial wide receiver, just be willing to get defensive and say you’re DB Cooper instead.
AARON HERNANDEZ
Oh man, aren’t you original, controversial, and edgy! What, did your custom-made “Ben Rapelisberger” jersey develop a tear in it from too many consecutive Halloweens irreverently mocking the pearl-clutching masses? Honestly, if you want to be a murderer who betrayed the Patriot Way, it’s probably better to go as Revolver Ocelot.
TIM TEBOW
Trudge around the street, desperately waving your Liberal Arts diploma in the face of any passerby who seems like the management type. Sure, you won’t be in a No. 15 Broncos jersey, but people will know you’re Tebow because you two are equally unemployable.
NDAMUKONG SIOUX, JUST TRADED TO THE WASHINGTON REDSKINS
Remember, if you have at least one non-white friend who giggles at your outfit, then you are completely and indubitably absolved of any and all accusations of racism.
NICK FOALS
Get on your Filly gear and hope you don’t run into a Kansas City Chiefs fan dressed as Tyler Bray.
JAKE LOCKER
Policemen have cubbies, technically, so it’d probably be better to opt for a less confusing costume.
GREG SCHIANO
It’s hard to dress up as an egomaniacal sociopath with a Napoleon complex so severe that he’s ready to tear his assistants’ bones apart for the smallest transgression, so instead opt for a costume that looks like the Silky Johnson character from Chappelle’s Show. People may be confused at first, but what’s important is the message the costume sends — all the players hate you.