1. Houston Texans — If you go by the Google autocomplete test, which is time-honored and infallible, you’ll see that “Blake Bortles girlfriend” comes up as a result before “Blake Bortles, future quarterback of the Houston Texans.” So, obviously, the Texans should surprise everyone — but not me nor you, dear reader! — by selecting Lindsey Duke with the first pick in the draft, thus providing the team blogger with plenty of opportunities to produce some hard-hitting
“Top Ten Male-Gazes of Lindsey Duke” listicles journalism.
2. St. Louis Rams — The Rams need a guy with a good “motor,” so they should go with Motiz von Jacobi. Sure, motors have become a bit more advanced since Jacobi’s day, but you can’t go wrong with the progenitor.
3. Jacksonville Jaguars — The Jaguars were only ever relevant when Mark Brunell was at the helm, so it would be wise for the team to rekindle that success and draft, with the third pick, ’90s Nostalgia. Guys, remember how stuff totally happened during that decade? Me too! Wow, isn’t life crazy? Now give me a million page views!
4. Cleveland Browns — It doesn’t matter who the Browns pick, because the Browns will always be awful. The Browns must be as tired of losing as jokes about the Browns losing are tired.
5. Oakland Raiders — Hey, Portlanders, will you please stop lobbying to bring the Oakland Raiders to Oregon? Y’all have the Timbers and the Trail Blazers already. Another team and you’ll be forced to actually learn about sports instead of just enjoying them ironically. Hashtag Relevant Hipster Jokes. Hashtag Humor. Hastag But Seriously, Keep the NFL Out of Oregon (Unless You Dig a Giant Stadium Into the Ground Somewhere Outside of Pendleton).
6. Atlanta Falcons — I don’t really care about the Atlanta Falcons, nor do I care about their draft pick. Sorry, Atlanta fans.
7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers — Do you think Dr. M. Patricia Jevons can still play? Even if she can’t help in any facet of the game, she can at least educate the team about MRSA.
8. Minnesota Vikings — Dudes, wouldn’t it be, like, so funny if the Vikings drafted an actual viking? *coughs profusely and reaches for Cheetos*
9. Buffalo Bills — To protect EJ Manuel, the Bills should beef up the offensive line so it doesn’t crack, which is why they probably shouldn’t draft noted Bills fan Rob Ford.
10. Detroit Lions — Dudes, wouldn’t it be, like, so funny if the Lions drafted an actual lion? *coughs profusely and reaches for ice cream sandwich*