In Memoriam: Red Panda

Jan 21, 2013; South Bend, IN, USA; The Red Panda Acrobat performs during halftime of the game between the Georgetown Hoyas and the Notre Dame Fighting Irish at the Purcell Pavilion. Mandatory Credit: Matt Cashore-USA TODAY Sports

Just when it seemed like we’d make it to the regular season unscathed — no major injuries, no surprise firings — devastation rained down upon us:

Halftime performances in the NBA can range from spectacular to spectacularly awkward. The Red Panda was always an elite attraction. It didn’t matter if it was your first or tenth time seeing Rong Niu balance on her unicycle while catching and flipping bowls — you were, every time, amazed. Maybe that’s why the NBA felt more than a little diminished last year. Sure, there were no good storylines, little excitement or surprises, but the Red Panda was also absent for the entire year. We’ll now have to soldier on without her — a hard task, obviously.

Not enough has been made of Red Panda’s retirement. She deserves a viking funeral, a farewell tour that would embarrass the likes of Derek Jeter and the MLB, a statue placed permanently at halfcourt of every arena, players be damned because this is the fucking Red Panda we’re talking about. While we can’t quite give her any of those things, because some of them are probably illegal, we can pay homage with a tribute video, one soundtracked by the only song appropriate for this somber situation.