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WWE RAW Report (October 27, 2014): John Cena, this is why you’re insufferable

By Ryan Ritter

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Before I embark on the well-worn path of “guy on internet doesn’t like John Cena”, allow me to say a couple things.

Firstly, John Cena the person is an amazing human. The guy grants more wishes from the Make a Wish foundation than anyone. By all accounts, he genuinely cares about the impact he has on people’s lives, especially kids.

Secondly, John Cena the wrestler, not the kayfabe character he portrays, is also quite incredible. The whole “I’m here every week” promo isn’t a bit, it’s the truth. Sure, I think it’s a tired crutch for him, but the guy does indeed bust his tail in the ring. Despite some fans desire to chant “you can’t wrestle” at him, he most certainly can. Unless he’s having to carry someone like The Rock for an entire match, he’s going to put on a good show regardless of your feelings of the end result.

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That being said, if you wanted me to detail why John Cena the character drives me up the wall I will sit you down and play this episode of Monday Night RAW and commentate the episode. If I handed you a John Cena trope bingo card, you would’ve had a blackout on your card by the end of the evening. Simply put, this episode hit critical Cena mass.

The evening started with one of the more forgivable aspects of Cena frustration. After losing the right to face Seth Rollins at Hell in a Cell, John Cena instead got a match with Randy Orton for the #1 contender slot for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship at Hell in a Cell. Then, in this episode of RAW, Cena got his cake and was able to eat it too because Rollins was delivered to him on a silver platter.

Wins, losses, and other active rivalries be damned.

Now, I said this is “more forgivable” for a reason. The story has to advance and we certainly don’t want Cena squaring off against Orton again or his other filler opponent, Kane. The frustration lies in the fact that this little game always seems to happen. One way or another, John Cena gets what he wants whether it is title shots or vengeance. There isn’t much of a reason given for it either–it just happens.

Then we got the inevitable cut-and-paste Cena promo complete with the cheap pop of “hey, how ’bout that !” Thankfully, Stephanie McMahon interrupted it and did the “try to bring John Cena to the dark side” ploy. Normally, this would be something I would tire of as much as it happens, but goodness, Stephanie pulls out all kinds of factual evidence out at Cena and plays the role of the caring mother.

I wish the WWE had uploaded the full promo to their YouTube channel because Steph killed it. All that was missing was “now, now, little Johnny, the Authority are the only ones that really care, come home to mommy” to completely reverse the same pandering Cena spews out to crowds, half of whom want to see his failure. Cena, of course, predictably declined and out came HHH to set up the Survivor Series main event, featuring, of course, John Cena in yet another battle in which odds must be overcome!

And that’s the other ridiculous premise here. John Cena is somehow going to have trouble recruiting people to fight the Authority? Just like any other “odds” in front of Cena, it means nothing. Cena almost immediately recruits Dolph Ziggler. As a refresher, John Cena did this to Ziggler and his then girlfriend A.J. Lee while they wanted to celebrate the coming of 2013:

I know time heals all wounds and almost two years is an eternity in the WWE calendar. Still, that action should be a rather heavy thing that Ziggler might hold on to. If Dolph can bury that hatchet with almost no questions asked because he wants to be a teammate for Cena in a big PPV match, how are we supposed to believe that Cena is actually going to struggle in this quest?

You would think that being Cena’s friend works out well in the WWE Universe, but it doesn’t. Nikki Bella is dating John Cena, a reality made very public thanks to Total Divas, yet John won’t lift a finger for her in the ring. Remember what happened when Zack Ryder was his best friend? Cena kissed his girl and, when Zack went to confront Cena, Kane shoved the wheelchair bound broski to his doom.

Dolph, beware.

Next, we get no-selling Cena. I don’t blame Cena, the wrestler, for this. He most certainly knows how to do so. Just go watch SummerSlam. Cena the character, however, is supposed to be Superman. It’s Hulk Hogan’s “hulking up” for this generation.

This means Cena can eat multiple RKOs and chair shots at Hell in a Cell, still win, and look like nothing happened to him when it’s all said and done. And the next night, even though Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose are out limping around because of their Hell in a Cell match, Cena acts as if he had the night off.

Again, I understand this is all part of Cena’s in-ring persona, but goodness is it annoying. The frustration doubles when you see Seth Rollins selling like he’s dying with every breath during their match. In that kind of a situation, even if you know very little about Cena, you know there is no way in hell Seth is winning that match. Rollins is beaten, bruised, and Cena keeps popping up like nothing is wrong regardless of what Seth throws at him.

As a final stroke of madness, at the end of the show, the entire locker room empties like it’s the go-home episode for the Royal Rumble. When the dust begins to settle, the first person Cena grabs and AA’s is…Heath Slater? Seriously, what the hell did Heath ever do to Cena? This is a guy that is hilariously feuding with a bunny and somehow he’s deserving of a surprise AA?

I could understand if Heath took a swing, but he didn’t. Cena just ganks him because hustle, loyalty, and respect…or something.

This is all a very long way of saying Cena, on this trajectory, is stale, annoying, and predictable. It’s a shame because I’ve actually enjoyed many of his recent matches. I just don’t like the feeling of watching the same movie over and over again. The hero should win at the end, but maybe we can mix it up a bit more than this?

Five Takeaways from the Night

As I sated in my Hell in a Cell Report, I’m going to list five things that stuck with me good, bad, or otherwise outside of my main point.

1) Randy Orton shows emotion

WHERE THE HELL HAS THIS BEEN, RANDY?!

I can’t remember being so excited and giddy for something Orton did and I love me some cocky heel Orton. Randy’s always been this emotionless, stoic character, which is odd because he’s the guy with voices in his head telling him to do terrible, terrible things.

He finally snapped and it was glorious. As a bonus, we got this face from HHH:

Dammit Randy! Via @FansidedGIF

2) Welcome back to the dark side, Henry

I’m so happy the tease of Mark Henry going heel finally happened. Sure, the setup for it didn’t make sense (Big Show loses to Rusev and all of a sudden he and Henry have a tag title shot?!), but this needed to happen in the worst way. Henry delivering three World’s Strongest Slams to Show was just the icing on the cake.

THAT’S WHAT HE DO!

3) The Usos used “Twin Magic” but they’re the good guys

Here’s a great dose of WWE logic: The Usos cheat to win, now cheer them. And before anyone says “but Eddie Guerrero”, realize that the “lie, cheat, and steal” was completely a part of his gimmick and people loved him because he was so unapologetic about it. The Usos have been winning and trying to win clean for pretty much their entire careers and then they blatantly cheat to win out of nowhere.

This makes zero sense.

4) I feel like Paige’s program is wandering around aimlessly

I’m honestly not sure where we are going with Paige right now. On the positive side, we are going forward and perhaps getting some clarity that she is really the worst person in this whole angle with A.J. Lee. That wasn’t necessarily clear in the past couple of months.

On the other hand, where is Paige going with this? Is she just going to get a new BFF to slap every couple of weeks? Because if that’s the case, I hardly see that as compelling. Not to mention, that will completely take the focus into whatever is going on between her and A.J. right now.

And honestly, I don’t even know what the motivations are. Is she jealous of A.J.? Is it solely because she has the belt? Is it because A.J. rejected Paige’s love? I have no idea at this point.

5) RYBACK BACK

Welcome back, Big Guy. I missed you.

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