Nebraska Hires Mike Riley: Faux Pelini Gives Advice To New Huskers Coach

With Mike Riley now ready to take the helm of the Nebraska football program, Faux Pelini decided to give the new coach some pointers on survival in Lincoln.

More from College Football

The Nebraska Cornhuskers have a new head football coach as of Thursday morning and the man taking the reins of the program is Oregon State’s Mike Riley. Riley takes over for Bo Pelini, who was fired following the final game of the regular season.

Now one of the more important matters on everyone’s mind is: What will happen to the ever-popular Faux Pelini twitter account, who has not only amused us for years, but has turned into a mainstream social media phenomenon.

Well, we don’t know the answer to that, however he did decide to give some survival tips to Riley as it pertains to being the Nebraska head coach.

To start, he still doesn’t know who Riley is. He didn’t know this morning when the hire was made, and he still doesn’t know now; but he’s nice enough to offer the advice anyway.

TWITTER LETTER TO MIKE RILEY (WHOEVER THAT IS)
— Faux Pelini (@FauxPelini) December 4, 2014

Also wants to remind Riley that he’s not too fond of him.

Congratulations on taking my job from me, I hope you’re happy with yourself. I know it’s not your fault BUT I HATE YOU ANYWAY.
— Faux Pelini (@FauxPelini) December 4, 2014

To start, in his mind, wardrobe is key!

The best thing: UNLIMITED KHAKIS AND HOODIES. Check the walk-in closet behind Tim Miles’ office by the Coke machine. OH GOD I MISS IT SO.
— Faux Pelini (@FauxPelini) December 4, 2014

Have to get the Eichorst dig in, of course, or none of this would matter.

I’ve heard there is free bubble gum near Shawn Eichorst’s office, but nobody knows where that is.
— Faux Pelini (@FauxPelini) December 4, 2014

But, what are the fans like?

Most fans are good. Some are impatient, some are old and don’t like noise, but most are fine. The ones who leave early are assholes, though.
— Faux Pelini (@FauxPelini) December 4, 2014

Yeah, don’t put Carl on staff. NO CARL ZONE.

IMPORTANT: DON’T HIRE YOUR BROTHER. OR AT LEAST MY BROTHER.
— Faux Pelini (@FauxPelini) December 4, 2014

Now the important subject: EXPECTATIONS!

Your boss won’t give you a specific number of games you have to win to not get fired, but here’s a hint: IT’S AT LEAST TEN.
— Faux Pelini (@FauxPelini) December 4, 2014

When you finish in the Top 20, they will require you to start finishing in the Top 15. When you do that, the Top 10. And then the Playoff.
— Faux Pelini (@FauxPelini) December 4, 2014

And if you make the Playoff a couple of times but lose, TAKE A WILD GUESS ABOUT WHAT THEY WILL REQUIRE NEXT.
— Faux Pelini (@FauxPelini) December 4, 2014

So while they say they just want you to get the program over the hump, there are actually about 37 humps, EACH ONE WAITING TO MAKE YOU SAD.
— Faux Pelini (@FauxPelini) December 4, 2014

The thing is, while this is a parody, with a program like Nebraska this could be true.

As the real Bo found out once, Big Brother is always listening.

IMPORTANT: ASSUME ALL MICROPHONES ARE “HOT” EVEN WHEN YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT THE ASSHOLES WHO LEAVE GAMES EARLY. especially then, actually
— Faux Pelini (@FauxPelini) December 4, 2014

Here’s a friendly reminder to Riley on how to properly run a lucrative program.

Oh -- if people say that your real job is to lead young men & get high graduation rates & run a clean program, I WANT YOU TO LAUGH AT THEM.
— Faux Pelini (@FauxPelini) December 4, 2014

NO, I WANT YOU TO STAND UP AND POINT AT THEM AND LAUGH MANIACALLY UNTIL THEY CRY AND LEAVE THE ROOM.
— Faux Pelini (@FauxPelini) December 4, 2014

And finally, the parting shot.

OK, good luck I guess. If you have questions call me at 1-800-IM-GETTING-SEVEN-MILLION-DOLLARS-TO-NOT-WORK-SO-FIGURE-IT-OUT-YOURSELF-SUCKA.
— Faux Pelini (@FauxPelini) December 4, 2014

This twitter account cannot go away, it just can’t.

With Mike Riley now ready to take the helm of the Nebraska football program, Faux Pelini decided to give the new coach some pointers on survival in Lincoln.

More from FanSided